The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, November 20, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Apple markets round wheel

“Not enough corners,” say pundits.

Apple Inc., a company known for its simple designs and devoted fans, has released a new version of the wheel in an already crowded market. Unlike most wheels, which are square, Apple’s wheels shave the edges for a perfectly circular wheel. Apple says its human/cart interaction research shows that circular wheels are easier to use. But will the public be willing to give up important features for this supposed ease of use? Our experts say no.

“The thing can’t even come to a stop on its own,” said CmdrTaco on Slashcave. “Square wheels automatically stop as soon as the user stops applying power to them. Round wheels, however, continue moving until some external force brings them to a stop.”

Microclub’s Bill Gates agreed. “The deficiency was obvious even to Apple: they had to add a new, complex system to make up for the lack of corners; they call it a ‘brake’. I predict a lot of ‘breaks’ if Apple’s fans start using the wheel: breaking bones and breaking carts.”

Forum posters were especially hard on the new, untested direction of Apple’s version of the wheel. Many blamed Apple “fanboys” for succumbing to Apple’s marketing skills.

That’s all Apple is good at is marketing. The “round wheel” would be a complete flop if it weren’t for Apple’s reality distortion field. It’s their marketing that convinces people to buy devices lacking in important features. It’ll probably flop anyway. A thousand years from now and nobody will remember the “round wheel”.

Industry insiders also reported rumors that Microclub was nearing production of further refinement of the square wheel. “They’ve added four extra corners,” said industry pundit Rob Enderle. “I can’t see buying a wheel that has no corners when there’s an eight-cornered wheel coming to market next quarter.”

Apple dismissed such concerns as vaporware and misdirection. Apple CEO Steve Jobs stated flatly that “the purpose of the wheel is not to stop, but to go.”

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