The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, November 20, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Bloggers tackle fish story

Blogosphere demands media coverage of Bush fish tale. Bush’s claim of reeling in a wide-mouth perch draws blogger attention, calls for impeachment. Polls show Bush at new low after attack from blogistan.

The blogosphere reeled in a President Bush fish tale this week, claiming that the President’s story “reeks of lies” and calling on Congress to impeach the President for lying about his catch.

Reuters on Monday reported that President Bush claimed to have caught a seven and a half-pound perch on his lake. The President had been asked by German newspaper Bild about the biggest moment of his presidency.

Bush has previously stated that while he appreciates headline moments such as the capture of Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, he doesn’t like to single them out over acts that don’t always make the news:

You know, when I meet people who do heroic things, whether it’s to help somebody who hurts or whether it’s a generous citizen who lifts up the spirit of a person. And I fully realize that those thousands of acts of kindness lift up the whole spirit of the country. Those are the best moments.

“That doesn’t even make sense,” said poster upyernoz on the blog Rubber Hose. “Who cares about heroism, generosity, and kindness?”

Bloggers immediately jumped on Bush’s perch claim, pointing out that perch only grow to four pounds. A 7.5 pound perch would have been nearly twice as big as the world record.

Later reports say that Mr. Bush said “large-mouth bass”, not “perch.” Bloggers claim this to be simple backpedaling. “I saw it,” said Fact-esque. “It was a direct English translation of the German newspaper’s translation of Bush’s response. The only explanation is a conspiracy by BushCo.”

“Everybody in blogistan can’t be wrong,” agreed waveflux contributor Philip Barron.

Another blogger claimed that Bush’s new tale was worse than the old. “Seven and a half pounds?” asked the Carpetbagger. “For a bass? I have bigger bass in my pants. If that’s all the president can do, why did Diebold buy him the election?”

While some right-wing bloggers have attempted to explain this blog attack on the President as “Bush Derangement Syndrome (BDS)”, some left bloggers compared it to previous attempts by the right-wing to take down CNN’s Eason Jordan and CBS’s Dan Rather. “The wingnuts can talk all they want about faked memos,” said Daily Kos. “We’ve got the large-mouth perch.”

“This is how we prove the relevance of left blogs,” added Kos. “The conservative mainstream media isn’t touching this story. And is it a coincidence that Halliburton CEO David Lesar also fishes?”

According to Shawn on Upper Left, the United States provided fish to Saddam Hussein in the early nineties through a Unocal pipeline. “And now President-Select Bush is catching fish in Texas. Doesn’t that seem, I don’t know, a bit sociopathic to you?”

The editorial staff of the Reader assures our subscribers, as well as everyone we hit on in the local bars, that we would never, ever, lie about the size of the large-mouth bass in our own personal lakes.

Never. Ever. Ever.

  1. <- Strawman Politics
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