The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, September 18, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Canadian government builds perfect computer

New computer system is impervious to both computer-based attacks and human factors attacks, and offers great promise in civilian applications.

Canadian Human Resources Minister Jane Stewart announced today that the Canadian government had perfect the world’s most secure computer system. “Our computers cannot be broken into, and will never give out information at the wrong time, to the wrong person, or to a person who might give it to a wrong person,” said Stewart. “We have harnessed a new Artificial Intelligence software package written by Ottawa University computer science students.” According to Stewart, this new computer software can automatically, “with 100% reliablity” determine when data requests not only come from valid users of the system, but also can determine that those data requests are for valid reasons. “This computer software is programmed with computer science expert Isaac Asimov’s three laws of robotics, so that it will never allow itself to be used in an immoral, illegal, or unethical manner.”

Stewart said that they were testing this system by compiling a central database of thousands of medical, tax, education, employment, ethnicity, travel, disability, and other records on each Canadian citizen. “Once the database was created, we began to ask for the data so that we could sell it to Bill Gates. The computer refused every such request.” For the second part of the test, she said, they “asked the computer for information that would help us save the lives of children, nuns, and puppies. The computer gave us the requested information immediately.”

Stewart said that, once the software’s documentation is completed, they will be marketing the software to individuals for use on their own personal computers. “This software has amazing potential,” praised Stewart. “If you install it in your house, it can forbid you from, for example, opening the door if you are too intoxicated to drive; it will refuse to let your son turn your stereo system up too loud for your neighbors; it can even detect whether your daughter’s date has above-board or nefarious intentions, and react accordingly.” She further noted that it will be able to recognize whether the person at the stove is a good cook, and should be allowed full access to kitchen appliances, or is a poor cook who should only be allowed to order out for pizza. It will also be programmed to observe its owner’s sexual habits and offer advice on optimizing sexual pleasure.

“We expect everyone in Canada will want to purchase this software when available,” said Stewart. The software will not be made available to computer users outside of Canada due to security considerations beyond the Human Resources Ministry’s control. “Apparently, this software is so powerful that it is considered munitions by the United States government. Were we to let it cross the border, the United States would consider it an act of war.” When asked if there were any danger of the software being smuggled across the border, she explained that “as I said, this is the perfect software. It will refuse to allow itself to be used in any illegal manner, including travel to the United States.” Any vehicle with the software installed will simply stop as soon as it reaches the United States-Canada border.

When asked what the system requirements were for the software, Stewart said that it “will run on any Pentium-class computer using Windows ‘95 or higher.” In answer to further questions, she acknowledged that “it does not currently run on Unix, Acorn, or Macintosh systems, but we have a record of every owner of such a system, and we will be questioning them as to their needs in the near future.”

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