The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, April 24, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Celebrate Independence Day: Rejoin Britain

United States politicians and pundits plan to fix flawed U.S. exit vote by rejoining Britain, returning the United States to the European Union.

Prime Minister David Cameron and Secretary of State John Kerry

Secretary of State Kerry shows Prime Minister David Cameron how to keep voters at arm’s length while Cameron begins his imitation of Napoleon at Waterloo.

Many Americans plan to spend Independence Day this year bemoaning the loss of Britain from the European Union. Many were especially worried about the effect of Brexit on elections in the United States.

“What’s to stop Brexit voters from coming to the United States and voting illegally in our elections?” asked one Community College of Vermont student.

Another student suggested putting British voters on the national terror watch list.

However, many American politicians plan to spend Independence Day working to ensure that Britain does not leave the European Union. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry rallied British politicians at the Aspen Ideas Festival by saying that “Britain may never leave the European Union. There are a number of ways for Britain to walk back from the brink of freedom.”

The Secretary added that many British politicians “feel powerless” after the mandate for self-rule passed in an overwhelming turnout.

“They don’t have the experience we do ensuring policies happen despite working-class opposition,” said Kerry. “I’ve recommended that they look into, for example, a reconciliation bill to reconcile themselves with the European Union. Or, perhaps a British Title IX may also require full integration with the continent.”

While some British politicians are calling for a second referendum, Kerry recommended against it.

“The voters have shown themselves unable to make a decision,” he said. “It’s time for the European Union to disband the voters and create a new voter base—out of their peers within the common government, business interests, and academics.”

Democrats were especially worried about the Brexit vote’s effect on Wall Street traders, big banks, and major corporations.

“These are our constituents,” said President-elect Hillary Clinton. “If they go broke, who will donate to the Clinton Fund?”

Ms. Clinton announced that she supports British efforts to ignore the Brexit vote, and hinted that she also supports ignoring the United States’s own exit from the British colonies.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Prime Minister Manmohan Singh

After Hillary Clinton pleads with Indian Prime Minister to support her Rejoin campaign and bring India back into the British Commonwealth, Prime Minister Singh shows her the door.

“I’ve long been disappointed,” she said in Brattleboro, Vermont, this morning, “that the United States exited the European Union in 1776.”

Clinton said that she plans to apologize to the British people for the Coexit campaign run by slaveholders and separatists stuck in the 1700s.

“It’s not too late for America to rejoin civilization,” she added.

Many members of the news media agree about the desirability of rejoining the European mainstream.

“That was, like, a hundred years ago,” said Vox columnist Ezra Klein. “Clinton is correct, Coexit was a response to very different problems, and it doesn’t speak to the questions we have today. It’s time to get back together with the European Commonwealth.”

Klein added that Independence Day was the perfect time to launch a Rejoin campaign.

“American voters should free themselves from the chains of self-rule,” he wrote on Vox.com. “Nothing is more freeing that not having to make political decisions.”

“People are too stupid to vote,” Klein told the Reader, “except for you and me. And sometimes I wonder about you.”

He highlighted a British voter who voted for Brexit, but didn’t think his vote counted, as an example of why voters should welcome independence from voting.

British Prime Minister David Cameron agreed.

“I’ve never felt more free than since I resigned,” he told the Reader this morning.

Cameron was in the United States to consult with former Senator Jay Bulworth on how to handle press relations after abandoning his re-election bid.

“You know, there’s a lesson here,” Mr. Bulworth advised. “Never try to make life or death decisions in a referendum. Have a drink, David. Live your life.”

  1. <- Obama learns from Brexit
  2. Mens rea reform ->