The Walkerville Weekly Reader

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Walkerville, VA
Monday, April 24, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Clinton vows UFO investigation

Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton assures America she will investigate the UFOs of Area 51 and stand up to the vast ice cream conspiracy.

President Obama at El Reno

President Obama visits Secretary of State Clinton behind her UFO-proof tinfoil bunker.

Amidst growing concern that the Bill Cosby trial may drag Hillary Clinton’s treatment of women into the spotlight, the Democratic front-runner last week pivoted to the search for extra-terrestrials. During a New Hampshire stump interview, in response to a question about whether the Earth has already been visited by UFOs, she added that “I think we may have been. We don’t know for sure by whom or when, but I think we have been.”

The candidate promised, as President, to create a government task force to investigate the government conspiracy in Area 51 and pledged to “get the information out about UFOs”.

Mrs. Clinton also pledged to get to the bottom of other mysterious phenomena. For example, she charged that global warming is a post-war conspiracy by the vast ice cream industry.

“It’s incredibly obvious, isn’t it? Carbon dioxide is introduced into our atmosphere to sap the planet,” said the candidate, “leading to increased consumption of frozen milk products.”

“That’s the way the vast ice cream conspiracy works.”

Mrs. Clinton disagreed with a reporter who questioned whether the government could investigate itself in Area 51.

“It’s always most effective,” said Mrs. Clinton, “when the government investigates itself. I believed that for the IRS investigations, I believed that for the Benghazi investigations, and I especially believe it for personal investigations of wrongdoing. The person closest to the investigation is the most effective investigator.”

She promised that she would bring the same dedication to the Area 51 investigation that she brought to the Benghazi investigation, the State Department classified emails scandal, and her husband’s abusive behavior.

She added that “it was our investigation into Bill Clinton’s alleged rapes that blew the lid off of that conspiracy. Our investigation is how I know that the women Bill rapes are not real women. They are aliens from Gyron!”

“I first became aware of it,” she explained, “during an argument with Bill. Why would he refuse the physical act of love? I was filled with a profound feeling of emptiness. Luckily, I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Someone—some outside force—some alien force—was sapping the essence of our love. It was then that I realized that Bill had a good reason for abusing those other women. They were invaders, not just of our union but of the very planet. When he beat those women, he was protecting our country. He was protecting the planet earth.”

“How many Republicans would be willing to fight for the earth? Republicans don’t care about the earth.”

According to Mrs. Clinton, this also explains why all of President Clinton’s Attorney General nominees had a history of hiring illegal aliens.

John Podesta, Clinton’s campaign manager, noted that the campaign has recently added Clinton-branded tinfoil hats to its fund-raising site.

“You can show your support for Hillary Clinton and protect yourself from the vast alien right-wing ice-cream conspiracy at the same time,” he said.

Also, he added, “wearing a shiny hat signals your earthly superiority and assures you that Bill Clinton will not rape you.”

In Iowa, Republican front-runner Donald Trump accused opponent, Senator Ted Cruz, of also being an alien, and thus ineligible for the Presidency.

Mrs. Clinton promised to add Senator Cruz to the Area 51 task force’s investigation.

“Get to the bottom of this, meesa will,” she vowed.

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