The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, November 13, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Elizabeth Warren decries illegal immigration

Native American lawyer and Massachusetts senatorial candidate Elizabeth Warren charges U.S. corporations with fostering illegal aliens.

Elizabeth Warren

“And then they put microchips in your fingers to turn your skin white! Microchips! In your fingers! I used to be Cherokee, and look what they did to me!”

Elizabeth Warren, candidate for the Senate in Massachusetts, says that she has found a secret about corporations that threatens the lives and jobs of every living American. In a surprise speech at the Democratic National Convention yesterday, Warren accused U.S. corporations of relying too much on illegal aliens, not just in their blue-collar workforce, but also in upper management.

Warren repeated these charges in a campaign mailing timed to arrive during the convention.

She charged Republicans, especially Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, with conspiring to keep the identity of the illegal aliens a secret from the American people. “Corporations are not made up of people,” said Warren. “When Mitt Romney protects corporations, he isn’t protecting Americans. He’s protecting the ability of illegal aliens to form secret cabals for the sole purpose of dominating the United States.”

According to Warren, the main difference between people and the aliens who make up corporations is that “people have hearts. They get sick, they die. Mitt and the Republican Party should learn that the aliens don’t have hearts, their blood is pumped by gerglemaxes, and because of their advanced computer technology they never get sick and they never die. Corporations are a shadow commission of immortal aliens that secretly rule the world.”

“No, Mitt,” she added in her convention speech, “corporations are not people. Those ‘people’ who make up corporations come from planet Bargxat. They have implanted microchips in every employee’s hand, forcing them to vote Republican, turning them into old white men and old white women.”

Warren revealed that she herself is a victim of this alien microchip technology. “I used to be Cherokee. Now all the Cherokee blood has been drained from me. They even used time travel to remove all Cherokee ancestry from my family tree.”

Warren said that it was the threat of a Bargxat attack that moved the main speech indoors. “They attack out of clear blue skies with lightning. Even now, I feel an electricity in the air that I haven’t felt for a long time. It is the ozone odor of the Bargxat. Wait, that’s crazy, what am I saying, there is no Bargxat. There is only the failed policies of Democratic politicians. No! They made me say this! Please help! Oh my god, it hurts so much!”

According to Warren, this election will be a choice between two fundamentally different visions for the future: one which is ruled by people, and one which is ruled by the immortal time-traveling Bargxat.

Warren urged Americans to stockpile guns for the coming war with Bargxat, and to line their windows with tinfoil to stop the Bargxat mind-control rays. She also pointed to her campaign’s web store where “we have very stylish tinfoil hats and microchip removal kits.”

  1. <- Obama Rocks
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