“We’re not taking away any civil liberties,” said House Democratic Leader Richard A. Gephardt (D-MO) in the Washington Post. “We’re just rebalancing them. If some disappear in the balancing process, well, nobody’s going to notice in the rubble.”

Gephardt went on to say that openness and freedom “have had their chance. It’s time to try secrecy and restrictions.”

The congressman said that congress was studying history to see what solutions other governments have implemented that could be useful. “England’s Star Chamber seems like a good idea,” he said, “we’ve been testing implementation of that in the INS, and we’ll soon extend the benefits of secret evidence to all Americans. Americans have the same right to unlimited jail time, secret accusers, and secret trials as does the rest of the world.”

The congressman also commented on the restoration of the CIA’s legal power to assassinate world leaders, and is considering opening up the same benefit to American citizens. According to the senator, “American citizens deserve the same right to be assassinated as do Muslim leaders.”

Gephardt adamantly denied that he would support creating concentration camps for Arabic-Americans. “Our concentration camps will be open to anyone, regardless of race, who opposes loss of liberty,” said the congressman.

Gephardt noted that he shares an important desire with the terrorists who attacked the World Trade Center buildings. “Like these individuals, I feel that American freedom is overrated. Where the terrorists would say that freedom of religion simply invites worship of the wrong God, I feel that freedom of speech simply invites voting for the wrong politician. I and some of my fellow congressmen have been trying for years to remove the bill of rights from everyday life, and this is just the opportunity we’ve needed. September 11 is the beginning of a brave new world in America. I propose that we officially celebrate it.”

Pete Sessions (R-TX) concurred, saying “When I get up in the morning, my vision of America is far different from Richard Gephardt’s, but Tuesday we all looked out and saw the same opportunity for more power and more restrictions on freedom. It’s a beautiful morning in America.”

Senator Jon Kyl (R-AZ) agreed, and said that “in the past, civil libertarians have blocked legislation essential to frustrating undesirables, such as Muslims and negroes.” According to Kyl, terrorist agitators in 1789 inserted dangerous clauses in the United States Constitution protecting fellow terrorists, drug dealers, and communists. “We know that these ten clauses were not in the original Constitution,” said Kyl, “but sometime after the Constitution was ratified, subversive elements in the print media added this so-called “bill of rights” to the tail end of the Constitution, “where it has gone mostly unnoticed except by terrorists, who are the only people that benefit from it.”

All agreed to support Gephardt’s national holiday. “This was the best thing to happen to Washington, DC, since the first Trade Center bombing,” said Kyl. “Americans will celebrate it--or else.”