The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, September 18, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

German chancellor dies in gun accident

German men denied asylum in Britain and deported from France, often become victims of gun violence, BBC and Reuters report.

Hitler as a baby

Reuters released this photo of the German chancellor.

The BBC today reported that Germany’s Chancellor died from a firearm accident in his home last night. According to the BBC, he had recently lost his bride of only two days to a poison commonly found in fruit stones.

The poison also took the life of one of the couple’s beloved dogs, a German Shepherd named Blondi.

The newlywed couple’s bodies were cremated in the garden behind the Chancellor’s office, where the Chancellor had spent the previous six years working for the greater good of Germany and the world.

“The Chancellor, by all accounts,” said the BBC, “commanded the respect and love of the citizens of his country.”

The Reuters news agency reported further that the man and other German emigres had been denied the right to migrate to Britain, and that British politicians were instrumental in forcing peaceful German migrants to leave France, Holland, and other countries throughout Europe and the world.

According to Reuters journalists in Europe, the German leader had been attempting to negotiate open borders between Germany and neighboring European countries before his death. These efforts had largely failed due to American gun violence perpetrated by abusive military generals.

Reuters highlighted U.S. General George S. Patton as a major proponent of anti-German sentiment in the region. Reuters described the General as “unnecessarily aggressive against German migrants—and his own troops.”

Experts quoted by the BBC noted that firearms owners who are also Socialist dictators are three times more likely to die in the home than are non-firearms owners.

The Chancellor’s family released a photo of the victim to the press, and described him as “a caring husband who loved dogs and always tried to help his country. He toiled long to bring social justice, economic equality, and high-speed rail to all of Europe.”

The Walkerville Weekly Reader is reproducing this April 31, 1945 article by the noted Hark Thrice because (a) we paid for it, (b) we forgot to run it at the time, and (c) it seems strangely relevant.

  1. <- Mens rea reform
  2. Trump’s race problem ->