The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, September 18, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Gore Opposes, Supports Gun Control, Prohibition

Saying “women have the right to control their destinies,” Gore announces 360 degree turnaround in Democratic party platform with regards to the drug war and gun control.

“I trust women to make the decisions that affect their lives, their destinies and their bodies,” said Vice President Al Gore in last night’s debate with opponent George Bush. “For that reason, I think a woman’s right to choose marijuana ought to be protected and defended.”

Governor Bush countered by saying that “in Texas, we’ve given women the right to choose heroin and cocaine as well as marijuana, and we are proud of our record in that arena.”

“I also fully support a woman’s right to protect her life with firearms,” continued Gore.

Bush claimed that in Texas, they have already made concealed carry available to women for protection, whereas Gore “has had eight years to do this if he really believed in it. He hasn’t, because he doesn’t.”

Gore countered that firearms rights in Texas were extended to only the richest one percent of Texas citizens, where “my plan will ensure firearms ownership among the poor and middle class.”

“In Texas,” claimed Bush, “the middle class are not poor. But we support the right of both poor and middle class to purchase inexpensive firearms, where my worthy opponent has called for banning them.”

“I have never called for a ban on inexpensive firearms,” countered Gore. “Oh, wait. Is that what Saturday Night Specials are?”

Moderator Jim Lehrer informed him that it was.

“Oh, then, we don’t support that at all. Poor people don’t need to protect themselves. That’s what I’m here for. And I changed my mind on medical marijuana, too. There is no evidence that it works, and all the people who claim that it works for them should be relying on federal assistance instead.” Gore went on to decry Texas’ policy of allowing doctors to prescribe medicine, saying that under his administration, only the DEA would be allowed to prescribe any medicines, including over-the-counter medicines. “And I’d ban tobacco, and bring back alcohol prohibition. We need to end the moral pollution in this country.”

“Heroin,” muttered the Vice President. “I can’t believe it.”

Bush countered that “the Republican Party will never back down from its position that prohibition is wrong. Alcohol prohibition was wrong, gun prohibition is wrong, and so is marijuana, heroin, and cocaine prohibition.”

Vice President Gore and wife Tipper then jumped the Governor and pulled off the Governor’s mask to reveal Libertarian candidate Harry Browne.

“I would have gotten away with it,” said Browne, “if it weren’t for those damn kids!”

  1. <- Canned Gas
  2. Cultural Pollution ->