A bridge collapse near New York City has scientists scrambling for a more compassionate replacement for gravitational theory. According to City Engineer Shaunesa Brick, a graduate of the Chicago Electoral College, “we can no longer afford to listen to the old, discredited philosophy of gravity extremists.”

The Valhalla, NY Keating Memorial Bridge collapse killed five motorists yesterday and injured twelve others. The collapse caused millions of dollars of damage.

“This is all the fault of the scientists that came before me,” said Ms. Brick. “It is their fault that these people died. Their incompassionate theories of gravity are killing people. In the halls of academia they call this the Law of Gravity, but what it really means is, you’re on your own. Fall down? Tough luck: pick yourself up.”

Ms. Brick proposes a new, more moderate law of gravity.

“Now is the time to let gravity go,” said Ms. Brick. “We can build our bridges and our skyscrapers without resorting to outdated theories of gravity.”

Ms. Brick has already submitted plans for a new bridge to the City Council and urged that it be approved immediately. “We don’t have a moment to spare,” she said. “We need swift and bold action to reform the incompassionate law of gravity.”

Some opponents argued that her plans were “not a bridge, this is a bunch of bricks haphazardly thrown together.” Ms. Brick replied, “What do you think a bridge is? No, seriously. That’s the whole point.”