The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, September 18, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Kraft settles suit to protect deadly food products

Kraft lawyers argue that comic artist infringed on Velveeta’s image as an unhealthy, killer food.

After a year of legal maneuvers, Kraft lawyers settled its trademark dilution suit against comic book artist King VelVeeda. According to Kraft, the King’s appearance as a skeletal youth infringed on the Velveeta trademark.

“Our product is extremely unhealthy,” said Kraft spokesperson Jacob Kronung. “It is not at all unlikely that a consumer would see King VelVeeda’s skull and assume that this was an official Kraft advertisement.”

Kraft has recently come under fire from the Food and Drug Administration for labeling Velveeta as “cheese” when it does not meet statutary standards for cheese manufacture.

Kraft lawyer Oscar Mayer pointed out that it was not the use of the “cheesy” reference alongside the VelVeeda name that violated their trademark. “Our product isn’t cheese.” It was the skull that aroused the corporation’s ire. “Our product is deadly, and using a skull alongside a name that sounds like one of our products is a direct violation of our trademark.”

Mayer argued that the satirical nature of King VelVeeda’s work made the violation worse. “Placing a satirical skull next to our name causes confusion in the marketplace. Our food is deadly, but saying so in a satire might confuse some consumers into thinking that our food is not deadly. That’s trademark dilution, and that’s against the law.”

Kraft Marketing Representative Gray Poupon agreed. “We intend to capitalize on the Velveeta image as a deadly food by including a skull and bones on every package.” According to Poupon, Kraft will merge the Velveeta brand with the Tombstone brand to signify the results of eating the product.

King VelVeeda was represented by the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund. “This case highlights some of the ways in which trademark law poses serious traps for the unwary artist,” said CBLDF Board Member Louise Rich-Hoffman. “Some products are so bad, they are beyond satire.”

  1. <- Gagging Robbins
  2. Konquering Microsoft ->