The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, November 20, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Nothing to Queer but Queer itself

You’re just being paranoid, America. Nobody’s forcing you to take part in gay marriage or forcing your children to approve of transsexuality. Just let them be themselves and they’ll leave you alone.

Chicago Anal Slide

Your eighth-grader or high school student will never be given a pop quiz on anal insertions.

There’s been a lot of hysteria lately from conservatives fearing a slippery slope if they “give in” on queer rights. We thought we’d do our part to alleviate their fears by reprinting this Hark Thrice article from thirty years ago. Thrice’s soothing words are just as relevant today as they were in 1986.

Last I looked at the calendar, it was 1986, and yet conservatives are still acting as if it were 1960, predicting that the Democratic Party was about to start worshipping the Pope. My friends on the other side of the aisle, you are acting and speaking unreasonably. When queer rights activists ask for the same rights you yourselves enjoy, they are not secretly greasing some slippery slope for America. Once they get what they want, they’ll stop.

Just because gays can marry, does not mean that you will be forced to take part in a gay marriage. It will never happen, so stop worrying about it. It’s not a winning platform, it’s a whining platform.

When we open our schools and children’s groups to queer instructors and facilitators, they will continue to follow the standard curriculum. It does not mean that your children will be taught the benefits of fisting and anal sex. That’s crazy talk. Even queers love their children.

Accepting gender reassignment surgery for adults is not a scheme to mainstream deviance. Adults have the right to choose whatever surgery they feel they need to be normal. Just because it’s accepted among adults, doesn’t mean children will be encouraged to choose gender reassignment surgery before they’ve matured enough to make such a permanent decision.

And some of the “concerns” presented by conservatives are so ridiculous that they are clearly just fearmongering. Your children will never have to share bathrooms and locker rooms with pre-op transsexuals, nor will your daughters ever have to run out of a shower at the public pool because a strange man is displaying his genitalia near her—not a transgender, in any case.

While I’m here, I would like also to reassure some of our less enlightened friends of the same political cloth that accepting gender reassignment surgery will not lead to genetically male women participating in women’s sports, nor will it lead to genetically white individuals taking advantage of minority advancement programs. Such concerns are, to reassign a phrase, beyond the pale. You don’t have to worry about whites taking up leadership positions in the black movement, nor about whites taking affirmative action slots away from minority applicants.

My conservative friends, as well as my worrisome friends in the big tent, you are listening to fear-mongers spouting hysterics. These things will never happen. You have nothing to fear from the gender revolution. It is merely about leaving other people alone to do what seems right to them. It is only what you would want for yourself in similar situations.

Mr. Thrice’s voice of reason was a great calming influence to a previous generation. Since he wrote that article, however, even more outrageous scenarios have been proposed by fearmongers taking advantage of the recent hysteria. We would like to provide further reassurance to our conservative brethren, sistren, sethren, bristren, whitren, blackren, wackren, and othren.

  • No gay scoutmaster will ever marry one of his charges.
  • Clergy will never be required to perform gay marriages against their will.
  • Parents will never be forced to support transgender surgery for their underage children.
  • Families will never be punished for complaining about a relationship between their child and their child’s schoolteacher.

We guarantee that these predictions will be just as reliable as our predictions from 1986. Stop with the crazy talk, people. Just not gonna happen.

Trust us.

  1. <- Bush caused 9/11
  2. Youth joining extremists ->