The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, November 13, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

President Obama announces national library and poets initiative

Reaping the benefits of a new United States-Cuban dialogue, President Obama announced a new national library and poets program last week, based on a similar program pioneered by Fidel Castro in Cuba.

Antonio Rodiles beating

President: “Don’t worry about whether it neatly fits into socialist theory or capitalist theory, just decide what works.”

Speaking at a press conference in Havana last week, President Obama discussed Cuban President Castro’s accusations of human rights abuses in the United States.

I personally would not disagree with him. The goal of the human rights dialogue is to make sure that we are having a frank and candid conversation around this issue, and hopefully we can learn from each other.

President Obama added that the important thing is “advancing the mutual interests of our two countries.”

The United States recognizes the progress that Cuba has made as a nation. Cuba rightly has great pride in its treatment of dissidents.

We welcome that constructive dialogue as well. We can both learn how to make the lives of our people better.

“Starting tomorrow” said the President, “I am directing the FBI to assault librarians and poets in the United States, especially librarians who disseminate anti-Communist literature, such as Animal Farm, and The Hunger Games.”

In response to an outcry of criticism from right-wing reporters, President Obama replied that “the relationship between our governments is more important than a few librarians.”

“But,” asked CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, “won’t this action on the part of the United States encourage Cuba to continue oppressing its own people?”

“Take it easy, Wolf,” replied the President. “I’m an expert in foreign affairs.”

“I thought you were a Professor of Constitutional Law?”

“What’s the difference?” replied the President, who added,

Let me be clear. The issue here is not whether Cuba broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with dissidents and writers. They did. But we can’t hold the Cuban government responsible for the behavior of a few poets and librarians. For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame the whole of Cuba itself? And if Cuba itself is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of Communist countries in general? I put it to you, Wolf, isn’t this an indictment of our entire leftist philosophy? Well, you can say what you want about me, but I’m not going to stand here and listen to you badmouth the United States Democratic Party!

President Obama immediately ordered the Secret Service to escort all hostile members of the news media into prison, while humming the Internationale.

Members of the media who remained praised the President’s take-charge demeanor.

“Freedom of speech is an interesting intellectual argument,” said one reporter, “but for our time we need a strong leader, who should just decide what works and do it.”

  1. <- NASA tweets asteroids
  2. Sanders complains ->