The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, November 20, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

President Obama talks about NCLB

In tough economic times, President Obama unveils a new NCLB program to ensure fairness “from Main Street to Wall Street.” Stephen Price Blair goes to the White House to discuss this new program with the President.

President Obama thinking

President Obama speaks about change with the Reader in the Roosevelt Room of the White House.

Stephen Price Blair: I’m going to toss the toughest question first, Mr. President. Mr. President, the Republican hopefuls seem to be campaigning under a slogan of stinginess, that in tough economic times failures, for example, failing banks, should be allowed to fail with no public assistance. How will the White House counter such a blatantly selfish strategy?

President Obama: “I don’t understand the Republicans. They think that if the banks had been left to fend for themselves, that we wouldn’t still be in a depression today.”

Stephen Price Blair: Mr. President, some of your opponents charge that your administration has engaged too much with private industry, that this is not the change you promised when you ran for office. How do you respond to these charges?

President Obama: “Change can sometimes be hard to understand. Change is bailing out the auto industry, an industry that hasn’t changed since the fifties. Believe me, it was not politically popular to engage in that kind of cronyism, but we cannot allow the auto industry to fail. When you let a company fail, you never know what new businesses are going to take its place. Friend, we must bail out the banks! We must bail out the auto companies! We must bail out Fannie Mae! These companies must not be allowed to collapse. These are good people. They donate to my campaigns!”

“Further, I believe that everyone deserves their fair share of bailouts, that everyone, from Main Street to Wall Street can play by these rules. To this end, I have directed NASA to implement a new wealth distribution program to ensure fairness: No Crony Left Behind.”

“Everything we’ve fought for—billions in grants and loans to people who donate to me, expensive health care, incomprehensible regulations that will require everyone in the health care and insurance businesses to lobby me-is now at stake in this election. This is a make-or-break moment for the middle class. We are fighting to get the middle-class. We can’t allow Republican selfishness to prevail among the middle class. They’re the ones we’ve been waiting for to pay for all this.”

Stephen Price Blair: Mr. President, how will you convince individuals to support your re-election campaign in 2012?

President Obama: “Too many of our supporters genuinely believe that this campaign doesn’t really need their donations in order to compete and win. They hear about how we’ve laundered hundreds of millions of dollars through cronies, and they think we have money to spare in 2012. What they don’t realize is that we treated our campaign donations just like we do tax dollars: we spent it all and then some. However, the nice thing about cronies is that you can always buy more, so I’d just like to say this: donate to my campaign now. The NCLB program will return dividends on every donation you make. The more you send, the more you’ll win!

Stephen Price Blair: Ideologues in Congress have pursued partisan investigations into what they’re calling SolarGate, and the Solyndra scandal, and other government loans to struggling businesses. Do you think this makes people fearful of donating to your campaign, because they might be forced to open their books to a congressional investigation?

President Obama: “That’s not a problem, my friend. When the money keeps rolling out you don’t keep books! You can tell you’ve done well by the happy, grateful looks. Accountants only slow things down—figures get in the way. That’s how you handle an out-of-control congress… well, the less said about that, the better.”

Stephen Price Blair: With the economy jumping into a retrograde recovery, are you worried that your supporters might give up on politics, maybe focus on improving their own situations at the expense of your re-election bid?

President Obama: “Change is hard. Raging hard. But in the beltway, it’s always been possible. You can’t disengage from Washington today, no matter who you are. There’s so much on the line. If you’re committed to surviving in your job or your business, you can’t afford to return to ‘you’re on your own’ economics. Because I am not going to leave you alone.”

“This is what NCLB is all about. This is the defining issue of our time. It’s what this election is about.”

  1. <- Obama turns Republican
  2. PIRG supports Ryan plan ->