The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, September 18, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Republicans overreact to Mexican army visit

Recent visit by Mexican armed forces to San Diego brings out the worst in Republican lawmakers. Congress’s approval is at an all-time low following incendiary comments by prominent Republican representatives.

San Diego Tunnel to Smuggle Drugs

Law enforcement escapes the heat, strolls the shaded Avenida de la invasión on the border of the new estados federados of Alta California.

Mexico probably didn’t plan it this way, but their surprise delegation of 400,000 veterans to San Diego has caused an already-floundering Republican bid to flail so much one expects coastal authorities to close the beaches for fear of shark attacks.

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) suggested that if President Obama would not send troops to “repel this invasion”, that Texas should send its own National Guard.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott, normally an advocate of state independence from the federal government, threatened to sue the Obama administration “if they do not protect the states” from the Mexican visitors.

Republican front-runner Donald Trump boasted that if he were president he would use America’s military to “expel every member of the Mexican armed forces.”

The logistics behind expelling 400,000 armed tourists were difficult for the blustering candidate to explain.

“And I will force them to pay reparations,” he said. “To pay for the destruction they’ve caused and the cost of repelling them.”

The Reader talked to veterans who were themselves repelled by Trump’s threats against the brave young members of Mexico’s military.

“If he’d do that to foreign veterans, what would he do to America’s veterans?” said one purple-hearted veteran of the Vietnam war.

Secretary of State John Kerry added that “They’re just young kids who couldn’t get into college. And now they’re stuck in San Diego. If they’d studied harder they could have gotten into Yale instead.”

The Secretary of State said that “Mexico’s soldiers also should have studied more,” setting off a firestorm among Hispanic advocacy groups.

Montebello High School Flag

California students welcome their new Mexican overlords.

“Studying hard is a manifestation of white privilege,” said Professor Eburnean Pallor III, former New Republic editor. “I’m surprised that a Secretary of State under a Black President would criticize soldiers of color for not following the white man’s culture of success and hard work.”

The White House criticized Donald Trump for his divisiveness, and noted that “there have always been many Mexican nationals in San Diego.”

President Obama refused, in a press conference this morning, to be forced to draw any “lines in the sand” by those politicians who love war. “Some politicians will exploit any opportunity to send our soldiers into harm’s way,” he said.

“Peace is a fragile thing,” the President added, “and requires constant vigilance. We cannot discard it merely because a few Mexican children wish to immigrate to our great country arms in hand. We don’t make good decisions based on hysteria or an exaggeration of risks.”

“Some people seem to be afraid of a few kids coming over to celebrate,” he concluded.

“We’ve never considered San Diego to be part of Southern California anyway,” added Vice President Biden.

President Obama chose former San Diego Mayor Bob Filner, a member of the local Democratic party, to lead the diplomatic team tasked with “touching the heart of the immigrants” in hopes of arriving at a peaceful solution, preferably after the November elections.

The San Diego City Council and Republican Mayor Faulconer were unavailable for comment.

  1. <- Sanders complains
  2. Orlando health crisis ->