The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, September 18, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

“Superhero” Senator laments end of ice age

Senator Cory Booker reminisces over a youth spent traveling the long-lost land bridge to Hawaii. DC pols mistake him for savior.

Once known as the Superhero Mayor of Newark, New Jersey, before he became the Garden State’s Senator, Cory Booker (D-CC) started new rumors about himself in testimony before Congress this week. His statements had the beltway buzzing about the Senator’s Jesus-like feat of driving on water in the eighties.

Senator Booker, in a global warming-inspired filibuster, told Congress that during his younger days wandering the deserts of Jersey, he drove his first car, a 1984 MG MGB GT, from Newark to Hawaii.

Top Democrats opined privately that they wished Senator Ted Kennedy had owned Booker’s MG.

“If Senator Kennedy had driven Booker’s car that fateful night at Chappaquiddick, he’d have been president,” said Senator Hank Johnson. “This Booker guy’s got a real future.”

Johnson also recommended that Booker not drive to Guam, as a car of that unprecedented power might cause the tiny island to tip over and capsize.

Republicans worried that the Senator’s miraculous road trip might violate the infamous “separation of church and state” clause of the U.S. Constitution. Senator Booker emphasized that he was not claiming a divine provenance for his road trip, but that this trip took place before global warming flooded the land bridge to the Aloha State.

“In the old days, before the ice melted and the New Wave covered America,” said Senator Booker, “ice covered the land in thick sheets, and there was no need of airplanes or boats to travel the full breadth of this great land. A pair of skis and a good sports car were all you needed.”

The Senator blamed Republicans for literally dividing this nation apart by doing the bidding of anti-land-bridge energy companies.

“If it weren’t for Republicans,” he said, “we’d still have mile-high sheets of ice all summer long. When you’re helter skelter in a summer swelter this year, put on a little brontosaurus rock to remember what might have been.”

  1. <- Clap for the ACA!
  2. Kathleen Kane Korruption ->