The Walkerville Weekly Reader

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Walkerville, VA
Monday, November 20, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

United Nations puts Israel on secret probation

In secret video, United Nations Secretary General claims special emergency, puts rowdy country on double-secret probation.

United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan had apparently placed the entire country of Israel under “double secret probation” in a meeting with Hesbollah Shiek Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah preceding Hesbollah’s capture of Israeli troops. Anonymous sources provided videotape to the European news agency Little Blue Soccerballs which show the Secretary General invoking “emergency powers” in order to “put the United Nations foot down” and end Israeli provocations in the Middle East.

The transcript from Little Blue Soccerballs follows:

Kofi Annan: Nasrallah, what is the worst country in the Middle East?

Shiek Nasrallah: That would be hard to say, sir. They’re each outstanding in their own way—

Kofi: Cut the camel shit, son. I’ve got their military files here. Who defeated a whole truckload of Arab nations in the six-day war? Who delivers disproportionate military responses every time a home-made missile lands in their borders? Every Passover, the desert is filled with matzo. Every Yom Kippur, the Middle East explodes.

Nasrallah: You’re talking about Israel, sir.

Kofi: Of course I’m talking about Israel, you sharmute! This year, it’s gonna be different. This year we’ll grab the lamb by the balls and kick those Jews out of the Middle East!

Nasrallah: What do you intend to do, sir? Israel’s already on probation.

Kofi: They are?

Nasrallah: Yes, sir.

Kofi: Oh. Then as of now, they’re on double secret probation!

Nasrallah: Double secret probation, sir?

Kofi: There is a little-known codicil in the United Nations Constitution which gives the Secretary General unlimited power to preserve order in time of a world emergency. Find me a way to revoke Israel’s charter. You’ve got Hezbollah next door. And put France on it. They’re sneaky little shits just like you, right? The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me.

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