The Education Department Friday announced that ‘zero tolerance’ policies were successfully creating “black-free school zones” by targeting blacks and other minorities for suspensions and removals. Some black leaders charged such policies as racist.

One principal expressed surprise over the controversy. “That’s what these laws were designed for,” said Mississippi principal Jimmy Pittman. “You think we’re gonna throw a bunch of white kids off the bus? Shut your mouth.”

“Community standards are very important,” said the Education Department’s safe schools director Bill Modzelewski. “In some communities, minorities might be carrying nail clippers. In other communities, they might wear hats, and in other communities they might not carry anything at all and so the zero tolerance has to extend to pointing fingers and humming.”

Penda D. Hair, co-director of the Advancement Project, accused Modzelewski of using the term ‘community standards’ as a euphemism for ‘keeping blacks down’. “That isn’t true at all,” said Modzelewski. “Yes, in some communities, the standard will be to keep blacks down. But in other communities, zero tolerance will be used against hispanics, and in other communities against indians. This is the glory of community standards.”

The NAACP agreed, and offered full support for the basic ‘zero tolerance’ against weapons as well as the use of ‘zero tolerance’ to keep blacks down. “Blacks should neither be allowed to defend themselves, nor allowed to better themselves,” said NAACP President Kweisi Mfume. “Black children do not belong in schools.” Mfume said that once the NAACP succeeds in barring blacks from owning firearms, the organization will shift its resources to barring blacks from schooling. “We’re taking this one step at a time,” said Mfume, “but expect to petition Congress for a ‘black-free zone’ around schools and colleges within the year.”