The Walkerville Weekly Reader

Walkerville Weekly Reader archives: The Walkerville Weekly Reader went online under innovative editor Carolyn Purcell in 1993. We’ve preserved select articles from the early years, and everything from 2000 on up.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, April 24, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Sam Lee

Sam came to Oregon in 1993 with no useful skills. He had no choice but to work on the Internet. He now maintains the Walkerville Weekly Reader web site and occasionally writes for it. He also believes very strongly that the grassy knoll killed President Kennedy. Grass, man. Grass always gets blamed for everything.

Democrats: black voters prefer totalitarian Presidents
Monday, November 21st, 2016: They voted for Donald Trump over Hillary for the same reason they name their children after royalty, say DNC staffers and reporters.
Shocker: Hillary Clinton endorses Donald Trump
Monday, October 3rd, 2016: After reviewing Comey testimony, former Secretary of State says Donald Trump has more of what it takes to be President, drops out of race.
Democrats introduce mens rea reform
Monday, July 18th, 2016: Congressional Democrats move to extend FBI Director Comey’s Clinton mens rea standard to all Americans.
Celebrate Independence Day: Rejoin Britain
Monday, July 4th, 2016: United States politicians and pundits plan to fix flawed U.S. exit vote by rejoining Britain, returning the United States to the European Union.
Ready, aim, negotiate: NASA tweets rogue asteroids to divert themselves
Monday, March 14th, 2016: Hashtag diplomacy becomes hashtag science, as the White House leverages modern social media to fight the most ancient of threats.
Hillary Clinton will make America above average again
Monday, December 28th, 2015: Democratic candidate vows to make government programs great by shutting down departments, schools that are below average.
President responds to NBC, grants conservative exemption
Monday, December 14th, 2015: Conservatives will also be exempted from paying more than 10% in taxes, as well as from marching up and down the square praising the President.
Politico: Bush should have started war July 2001
Monday, November 16th, 2015: President George W. Bush ignored critical advice from intelligence advisor five months into presidency: “We need to go on a wartime footing now!”
Last black ejected from civil rights movement
Monday, September 14th, 2015: White is the new black: a new generation of Democrats bear the white liberal’s burden to save blacks from their own laziness.
Planned Parenthood announces baby delivery service
Monday, July 20th, 2015: The non-profit plans to compete with market leaders on speed, quality, and taste, to bring healthier, happier babies to a new convenience demographic.
Catholic Church restores Ptolemaic theology
Tuesday, January 6th, 2015: Pope rescinds Galileo apology: “Mankind is the center of the universe, after all.”
Mozilla Foundation fires most of California
Friday, April 4th, 2014: In the aftermath of JavaScript creator and Mozilla founder Brendan Eich’s departure, the Mozilla Foundation has further outlined the limits of employment at their Mountain View offices.
AUSCS voucher plea
Saturday, December 15th, 2012: Americans United for the Synchronization of Church and State, a little-known right-wing organization dedicated to government-run schools, made a heartfelt plea this week to block school choice. “Otherwise, who knows what might be taught in schools?” asked AUSCS Executive Director Barry W. Lynn.
Media debate: Bush or Romney at fault for economy?
Friday, September 28th, 2012: As the United States economy stalls again, newspaper and television reporters debate the important question: who is at fault?
Americans United decries Democrats preaching in schools
Friday, August 31st, 2012: Influential Separation of Church and State organization says opposition to second Obama term stems from the President and his supporters “using public schools for preaching”.
U.S. PIRG does not support ending subsidies?
Monday, February 6th, 2012: Phineas from Boston writes that the U.S. PIRG does not support ending subsidies, just some subsidies. PIRG spokesperson Moses Corvus responds to the allegations.
U.S. PIRG supports Ryan budget plan
Tuesday, January 31st, 2012: U.S. Public Interest Research Groups calls on Democratic Senate, White House to pass end to subsidies, level playing field for “small businesses and companies that aren’t as connected” as companies like Monsanto, Cargill, Solyndra, and GM.
Public Citizen: Democracy is for Individuals, Not People
Thursday, December 29th, 2011: Where two people join together, there is a giant corporation that needs to be squashed.
Apocalypse cult: world will end in fire
Friday, May 20th, 2011: Influential apocalypse cult predicts end of world “within five to two hundred years”.
Apple markets round wheel
Monday, March 21st, 2011: “Not enough corners,” say pundits.
U.S. airline fatalities plummet in 2010
Sunday, January 23rd, 2011: There were no airline fatalities last year. Experts credit statistical lull. Others cite strange anomalies in the data.
Republicans clamor for “Constitution”
Thursday, January 6th, 2011: Democrats decry archaic, post-slavery document. Republicans threaten to cite obscure document in all new legislation.
Palin prompting techno-phobia
Monday, February 8th, 2010: Palin’s refusal to use modern technology to allow impromptu speaking turns to palm-reading at tea party.
Gravity discredited by bridge collapse
Thursday, March 12th, 2009: Moderate scientists call gravity law “outdated” after devastating bridge collapse in Valhalla, NY.
New York Times shocked by Thanksgiving video
Saturday, November 22nd, 2008: News media shocked, shocked! to learn that turkeys die for Thanksgiving.
Senator Kirk Watson: MSNBC and Me
Thursday, February 21st, 2008: Texas Senator Watson apologizes for allowing news show to deviate from process into issues.
Howard T. Duck exits race
Monday, February 11th, 2008: Candidate exits race, cites personal concerns. All Night Party cast adrift.
Bush snubs AIDS sufferers
Saturday, August 4th, 2007: Bush “cancer cure” amounts to AIDS death sentence, say medical activists and watchdog groups.
Confirming “blood in the streets”
Monday, April 30th, 2007: don from Gilbert, Arizona questions our sources.
The calculation is on the wall
Wednesday, October 11th, 2006: Researchers see a downside as calculators replace slide rules in schools.
Utah Sheriff Department deploys new stealth solitaire
Wednesday, October 12th, 2005: Utah Sheriff demonstrates a new Internet intelligence tool remarkably similar to the solitaire game that comes with many computer workstations.
Democrats champion CIA secrecy
Tuesday, July 19th, 2005: Democratic lawmakers have vowed to end the domestic intelligence loophole that allows criticism of the CIA if that criticism involves domestic employees.
Businesses line up to pay stealth trademark fines
Saturday, July 9th, 2005: Major businesses are rushing to Leo Stoller to encourage wider reading of trademark law.
Democrats fear liberal Bush Court
Tuesday, July 5th, 2005: Democrats fear a Supreme Court where Bush appointees support extremist liberal causes such as medical marijuana, and which opposes pro-business rulings such as on the recent eminent domain case.
William Lloyd Garrison arrested
Wednesday, June 15th, 2005: Police arrest civil rights activist on charges of flag burning.
Supreme Court rebukes Bush administration
Wednesday, June 8th, 2005: The Supreme Court rejected the Bush administration’s arguments in favor of states’ rights in Gonzales v. Raich on Monday.
CHiPs officer loses job over highway incident
Monday, May 2nd, 2005: California Highway Patrol officer loses job after telling motorist “change the law if you don’t like it.”
Internet users socialize less, talk to people more
Friday, December 31st, 2004: A new survey reveals that Internet users socialize less because they are spending more time with e-mail and message boards and less time watching television.
Rumsfeld worried about new terror in Afghanistan
Wednesday, August 11th, 2004: Rumsfeld worries publicly that Afghanistan’s terror quota will fail without renewed prohibition on opium poppies.
Bush refuses to create Big Brother post
Thursday, August 5th, 2004: President Bush refuses to create “big brother” intelligence post. Democrats appalled at Republican intransigence.
Kerry vows to restore trust, credibility to politics
Friday, July 30th, 2004: Democratic nominee promises to restore credibility to the White House, threatens legal action against anyone saying otherwise.
Bremer follows evil overlord rules
Monday, June 28th, 2004: Head honcho in Iraq also a strong Dungeon Master, and does the same thing to White House gamers “all the time”.
Maryland schoolgirls put on show for police
Saturday, May 22nd, 2004: Teaching young women to show skin a “top priority” says Superintendent Bonnie Ward.
Pink jumpsuits slash oil prices
Thursday, May 20th, 2004: Pink jumpsuit movement causes oil companies to drop next day gas price hikes.
Bush co-opts Democrat platform on states’ rights
Monday, April 26th, 2004: Republican front-runner panders to Democrats by dropping states’ rights from Republican platform, supports national health care.
Full-time legislators ridicule CA governor part-time comments
Wednesday, April 7th, 2004: California Governor Schwarzenegger riles hard-working legislators with suggestion that they could work better as part-timers.
Democrats call for unilateral war, pre-emptive crackdowns
Sunday, April 4th, 2004: Amid Democrat calls for exchanging civil liberties for security and for greater crack-downs on minorities before September 11-style attacks, Republicans “confused but happy”.
Democrats Lament Nader Entrance
Thursday, February 26th, 2004: Democrats worry that Nader entrance into presidential race may divert attention away from electability and towards issues.
Juries Weigh Police Testimony
Sunday, January 11th, 2004: Juries are beginning to weigh police testimony rather than trust it implicitly. Drug laws and speeding laws blamed. Juries to be phased out, says former cop.
Georgia DWB Stop Goes Wrong
Monday, December 15th, 2003: After a black man dies during a drug stop, Georgia deputies worry that they will not be able to seize and sell the vehicle.
Post Columnist kills four minorities in self-defense
Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003: Civil rights activists call killings racist. Columnist claims victims were hopped up on drugs.
How to Spell Lafayette
Thursday, November 27th, 2003: Brits always knew Jefferson a traitor.
NIDA Apologizes to Ravers
Monday, September 15th, 2003: Research results showing Ecstasy-induced brain-damage were faked.
California Governor resigns amid controversy
Wednesday, September 10th, 2003: Davis succumbs to calls for resignation over anti-immigrant statements.
Warren Zevon sleeps
Saturday, September 6th, 2003: Acclaimed singer/songwriter and satiricist rests after playing all night long.
Open Source Konquers Microsoft
Saturday, June 14th, 2003: Microsoft says they cannot compete with open source projects, cancels Internet Explorer.
Kraft settles suit to protect deadly food products
Wednesday, June 4th, 2003: Kraft lawyers argue that comic artist infringed on Velveeta’s image as an unhealthy, killer food.
Cancer docs seek business increase
Sunday, June 1st, 2003: World’s largest cancer group calls for creation of massive, violent black market in tobacco.
Not about race, says Times
Thursday, May 15th, 2003: Times insists that Blair incident not about race.
Michael Moore Refuses Oscar
Monday, March 24th, 2003: Director issues “Shame on you,” to Academy for awarding an Oscar to a “fictitious documentary”.
Hamedi a racist and a fool?
Thursday, December 12th, 2002: Walkerville Weekly Reader (Hamedi a racist and a fool?)
Pelosi not a liberal?
Friday, November 15th, 2002: New House minority leader blames biased press for unfair image.
Drug Czar unveils new TV campaign
Monday, November 4th, 2002: ONDCP releases television ads aimed to “win the war one patient at a time.”
Senator McCain Confesses Corruption
Monday, October 21st, 2002: “Anyone who would violate the bill of rights is corrupt,” says senator, acknowledging that this is what he has spent his career doing.
New Jersey Supreme Court enacts two-party state
Thursday, October 3rd, 2002: Court says that regardless of other candidates, ballots must have both Democrat and Republican candidates “to allow voters a choice”.
Democrats relegated to third party status in Jersey
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2002: New Jersey law designed to block third parties may shift Senate control from Democrats to Republicans.
Agents Seize U.S. Education System
Sunday, September 1st, 2002: Police chief, “shocked” at levels of drug use on American campuses, will seize U.S. educational system under federal asset forfeiture laws. DEA says medical marijuana states also at risk of seizure.
Drug War Not Zero-Sum, says DEA
Wednesday, June 19th, 2002: According to DEA Head Hutchinson, winning is not a win-lose scenario. Both dealers and the DEA win with prohibition.
Beltway vies over abuse powers
Friday, June 14th, 2002: White House says abuse of civil rights is an executive responsibility; Congress claims such power for itself alone; FAA reserves power to abuse women.
Music a style, not an art
Tuesday, April 16th, 2002: Walkerville Weekly Reader (Music a style, not an art)
Randall on frontier of medical marijuana
Monday, March 4th, 2002: Walkerville Weekly Reader (Randall on frontier of medical marijuana)
Former New York mayor touts American-style violence in Britain
Friday, February 22nd, 2002: Former mayor Rudy Giuliani urges Britain to increase violence, crime, to greater levels. “More blood in the streets,” recommends outspoken mayor.
Administration ads urge increased support for terrorism
Thursday, February 21st, 2002: With American support for terrorists lagging, National Drug Control Office unveils bold new ad campaign to increase public funding for terrorism.
Voter marginalization bill passes House
Tuesday, February 19th, 2002: Bipartisan support pushes breakthrough bill into Senate hands. Supporters on both sides praise separating voters from the political process.
Macrovision and RIAA hissy fit over pirates
Friday, February 15th, 2002: Music protection schemes rely on low product quality from major labels for success.
Sick deserve compassion, not prosecution
Saturday, January 12th, 2002: Walkerville Weekly Reader (Sick deserve compassion, not prosecution)
Bush announces kinder, gentler war on terrorism
Monday, November 12th, 2001: Three-pronged attack will end racism, encourage self-defense, and end prohibition.
Justice Department calls for new sacrifices
Wednesday, October 31st, 2001: Bush Administration says patients taking medicine “unpatriotic” and “a slap in the face” to those who lost friends and family in box-cutter attacks.
Starr tactics regain national support
Monday, October 22nd, 2001: Former Special Prosecutor’s “all or nothing” approach gains support in U.S. among both prosecutors and public.
Ashcroft joins tidal wave of support for September 11 terrorists
Thursday, September 27th, 2001: U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft came out before congress to support the September 11 terrorists’ aim to “change the purpose of American government”.
Federal judge blocks marijuana prohibition
Sunday, September 23rd, 2001: Federal judge overturns prohibition laws because of humanitarian concerns.
Douglas Adams goes on extended lunch break
Friday, May 11th, 2001: Acclaimed satirist plans to beat previous record set by publishing executive.
Paula Werme loves being reprehensible
Saturday, May 5th, 2001: Walkerville Weekly Reader (Paula Werme loves being reprehensible)
American missionary family saved from fate worse than death
Thursday, April 26th, 2001: Infant killing saved child from fate worse than death, say Republican drug war supporters.
United States Waives Human Rights
Sunday, January 7th, 2001: “You don’t hold up the drug war just because a couple of nuns were killed,” says Office of National Drug Control.
Clinton announces end of gun, drug, pornography prohibitions
Sunday, January 7th, 2001: Laws should not hold one person accountable for what other persons do, say President.
Democrats Channel Ronald Reagan
Tuesday, November 28th, 2000: “We are not worthy,” cry reporters as spirit of 40th president helps Gore fix percentages.
No trips to Palm Beach
Friday, November 10th, 2000: Walkerville Weekly Reader (No trips to Palm Beach)
Which planet am I on?
Thursday, November 9th, 2000: Walkerville Weekly Reader (Which planet am I on?)
Nobody Wins!
Wednesday, November 8th, 2000: Nobody remains ahead in key state of Florida, giving Nobody the 270 electoral votes needed to win.
Reporters confused over attention to issues, character
Wednesday, October 18th, 2000: Voters are paying undue attention to honesty, and ignoring vital issues of hairstyle and teeth brightness, say analysts, and it’s costing Gore points.
Gore Supports Limits on Free Speech
Thursday, October 5th, 2000: Vice president decries “cultural pollution”, supports ban on entertainment in schools.
Gore supports recycling-based gas rationing
Wednesday, October 4th, 2000: Vice President introduces innovative new gas tax, says that picking up cans can pay for gas.
ACLU acknowledges time limit on free speech
Wednesday, August 30th, 2000: South Carolina ACLU says government has every right to limit free speech to sixty days out of the year, supports similar limits on Internet usage.
FAA calls for security rollback in airports
Tuesday, August 22nd, 2000: Investigators say that excessive civil liberties no longer considered a causative factor in Flight 800 crash.
New Hampshire woman tapes public official
Sunday, August 20th, 2000: Attorney General bemoans lack of law to put woman in jail for taping a public official.
Willie Brown pushes plan to confiscate black drivers’ vehicles
Sunday, August 6th, 2000: San Francisco supervisor and mayor initiate innovative new proposal to confiscate minority vehicles.
Bush wins in surprise early landslide
Sunday, July 30th, 2000: Newspapers cancel the 2000 elections and declare George W. the winner. Clintons and Gores pack their bags.
Washington declares war on voter privacy
Friday, June 30th, 2000: Congress votes to end a ‘loophole’ which allows voters to support candidates in private. President says “secret ballots are the next to fall.”
Federal judge opens season on AIDS patients
Saturday, June 17th, 2000: AIDS patient dies from lack of medical marijuana. Judge King says “that was the whole point all along” and issues warning to all government critics.
Double jeopardy is double silly, say Brits
Sunday, June 11th, 2000: Britain considers removing ban on double jeopardy to allow multiple prosecutions when the government knows they’re right.
Drug prohibition is ended, but fight lives on
Sunday, June 11th, 2000: Maryland chapter of reproductive rights group says that RU-486 is the only holdover from the old, conservative drug regime.
Privacy is not a victimless crime
Thursday, June 8th, 2000: National Commission on Terrorism recommends increasing crackdowns on non-terrorists to boost terror within United States. “It’s the best way to receive more funding,” says the commission’s chairman.
Maryland school teaches new curriculum
Thursday, June 1st, 2000: Kids need to learn that tests are more important than what the tests measure, according to teachers.
Denmark’s odor prompts raid
Thursday, June 1st, 2000: Police raid Scandinavian country after officer smells “something rotten”.
Ventura calls news media ‘corrupt and shameless’
Tuesday, May 30th, 2000: Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura “surprised” to discover that the news media creates controversy.
Vice president admits to alcohol problem
Friday, May 26th, 2000: Al Gore seeks forgiveness from the American people.
Reno advises Americans to question all agents
Thursday, May 25th, 2000: No citizen should believe that a person is a law enforcement agent simply because he or she “flashes a badge” says Justice Department.
Congressmen vow to read all bills before passing them
Sunday, May 21st, 2000: Justice Department stealth “search” provision in “Defeat Meth” act has Congress up in arms about long texts, arcane language of bills.
New York Times secret evidence
Friday, May 19th, 2000: The New York Times pioneers secrecy as an advanced new tool in criminological scholarship.
Libertarians start child reeducation camps
Friday, April 28th, 2000: Children should be taught that certain political views are unacceptable, says the Libertarian Party, and parents are an unneeded obstacle.
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