The Walkerville Weekly Reader

Walkerville Weekly Reader archives: The Walkerville Weekly Reader went online under innovative editor Carolyn Purcell in 1993. We’ve preserved select articles from the early years, and everything from 2000 on up.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, April 24, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Shaheen Hamedi

Shaheen emigrated to the United States when his family got on the wrong side of the government of Iran. He moved from Virginia to Oregon after an altercation involving a crazed anti-gun activist. Shaheen carries a firearm in the United States because he saw the need for it under the Shah.

Journalists accuse blacks of “rape culture”
Monday, April 3rd, 2017: Following an interview with prominent black author Ta-Nehisi Coates where he says that he avoids being alone with other women, mostly-white liberals accuse him of misogyny and perpetuating black rape culture.
Clinton accuses Russia of infiltrating United States government
Monday, December 19th, 2016: Worried about falling poll numbers in working-class states, Clinton campaign identifies, addresses, a key concern of middle-class: the Soviet threat to the United States electoral process.
President-elect Clinton announces new police body-cam rules
Monday, November 7th, 2016: Comedian Seth Meyers, speaking for millions of Americans, said “They’re just private servers. What’s the harm in that?”
Clinton calls for institutionalizing, curing, Trump supporters
Monday, October 17th, 2016: After Republican Donald Trump calls for a special prosecutor to investigate Clinton’s email server, Hillary Clinton calls for beating Trump supporters. Journalists immediately investigate voter who asked question about health care.
Trump targets mostly white audience
Monday, August 22nd, 2016: Controversial presidential candidate speaks to MSNBC, Vox, and Democratic leadership.
Sen. Dick Blumenthal: Gay bars “public health crisis”
Monday, June 20th, 2016: Connecticut Democrat compares massacre to AIDS, says inaction has caused both epidemics.
President Obama announces national library and poets initiative
Monday, March 28th, 2016: Reaping the benefits of a new United States-Cuban dialogue, President Obama announced a new national library and poets program last week, based on a similar program pioneered by Fidel Castro in Cuba.
Ohio resists Michigan suicide bombers, rekindles Toledo War
Monday, February 1st, 2016: What are the grievances that lead to suicide bombers in Ohio? Michiganders fight for stolen land and right of return to the Buckeye State.
ACLU calls for repeal of slavery amendments!
Monday, January 18th, 2016: Venerable civil rights organization makes claim that only the Framers of the United States constitution should have ever been allowed to propose amendments.
Young adults arrested trying to join extremists
Monday, November 30th, 2015: Parents, authorities do not understand factors that lead to joining extremist organization based in New York City. Should the Feds treat them as terrorists?
President compromises on bridge construction
Monday, October 19th, 2015: President Obama navigates White House argument between engineers and staff. “Half a bridge is better than none,” says President.
Hero stops local mass shooting
Monday, October 5th, 2015: Nation has no need to grieve, goes on watching sports and talking about election trivialities. Social media finger nannies hardest hit.
Glaciers retreat from Middle East
Monday, August 10th, 2015: As glaciers flee the desert, they leave once-frozen ancient barbarians behind.
Exclusive: Garland gunman’s Fast & Furious firearm form
Monday, August 3rd, 2015: Garland, Texas, gunman Nadir Soofi purchased at least one firearm through the Obama administrations Fast and Furious program for arming drug lords, according to Justice Department sources.
Bowe Bergdahl freed from Northern California
Monday, July 27th, 2015: The captive soldier was released after talks with President Obama, in exchange for three federal prisoners and two Fox News viewers to be named later.
Ariel Burr, first woman on U.S. currency
Monday, June 22nd, 2015: Trans female and founder finally overcomes 19th century transphobia and political rival as first woman on United States paper currency. Ariel Burr will be the new face of the ten dollar bill, says Jack Lew.
Republican namecalling: single man creating laws smacks of “dictatorship”
Monday, April 27th, 2015: Extreme Republicans call U.S. President “dictator”, jealous that President’s actions to achieve goals bypass congressional obstruction and gridlock.
Orion spacecraft makes successful test flight
Friday, December 5th, 2014: Feminists complain it wasn’t wearing sensible shoes.
Mark Udall announces surprising new endorsements
Tuesday, September 9th, 2014: Embattled Colorado Senator announces two new supporters from beyond the fields we know.
Pennsylvania AG says crime is racist
Friday, March 21st, 2014: Pennsylvania Attorney General vows to stop investigating and prosecuting crimes. “We know most blacks commit crimes, so it’s racist to target criminals for prosecution.”
“Superhero” Senator laments end of ice age
Saturday, March 15th, 2014: Senator Cory Booker reminisces over a youth spent traveling the long-lost land bridge to Hawaii. DC pols mistake him for savior.
President Obama outlines Thanksgiving campaign
Monday, November 25th, 2013: Organizing for Action and My Barack Obama ask young people to talk politics over Thanksgiving dinner.
Media Matters fellow: Benghazi investigation caused by gradeschool taunts
Monday, February 18th, 2013: After mocking conservatives concerned about U.S. deaths in Benghazi, Media Matters fellow claims “anyone who thinks the White House deserves questioning over their handling of the Benghazi attack was obviously pantsed by liberals as a child.”
Feinstein defends Obama on Benghazi
Monday, November 19th, 2012: Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) defended President Barack Obama (D-W) on the Benghazi talking point scandal, saying the White House just isn’t that competent.
President Obama accuses Benghazi terrorists
Thursday, October 18th, 2012: President Obama accused the Benghazi attackers of terrorism retroactively at last night’s debates, winning the term decisively for House Media.
Obama recycles Harrier jets in Afghanistan
Tuesday, September 25th, 2012: The White House’s new recycling plan for unused Harrier jets bypasses EPA regulations and lets the Taliban work out their aggressions on military hardware.
Elizabeth Warren fights to deregulate insurance lawyers
Monday, September 24th, 2012: “I’m not like other Democrats who push regulations on other people then ignore the law themselves,” said Warren. “I believe in full deregulation of insurance company lawyers.”
Americans United story completely fabricated?
Sunday, September 9th, 2012: Ariel Heart writes a heartfelt plea to reality, begging it to measure up to the standards of fiction.
Elizabeth Warren decries illegal immigration
Friday, September 7th, 2012: Native American lawyer and Massachusetts senatorial candidate Elizabeth Warren charges U.S. corporations with fostering illegal aliens.
Obama staff caught in sex trafficking scandal!
Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012: One of President Barack Obama’s top donors, which also provided his administration several key staffers, has been caught in a sex-trafficking scandal in New York and other east coast cities.
ABC News: Toyota targeted Gabby Giffords!
Thursday, November 17th, 2011: Diane Sawyer ABC News special claims Toyota targeted popular congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords.
Climate scientists say Hispanics, Africans mentally ill
Monday, August 29th, 2011: Study links living in warmer climates to increased rates of mental illness.
Dana Milbank escapes rehab
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011: Beltway PDS-sufferer last seen in company of Atlantic writer Andrew Sullivan and an invisible moose. At least, we think it was an invisible moose. It may have been a layer of media fact-checking. Neither invisible moose nor mainstream media fact-checkers leave a trace of their passing.
Markos Moulitsas accuses President of assassinating Arizona rep
Sunday, January 9th, 2011: Daily Kos chief claims President Obama’s exhortation to followers to “bring a gun” triggered assassination attempt.
White House forces anti-government activist out
Sunday, September 6th, 2009: Obama Green czar Van Jones resigns after White House discovers Jones just doesn’t like government all that much.
ABC accuses President Obama of lawlessness
Tuesday, July 7th, 2009: ABC accuses President Obama of encouraging lawlessness at home and abroad.
Bush pardon in Chicago scandal
Sunday, December 14th, 2008: The ACLU’s campaign to stop President Bush from pardoning corrupt officials failed today when President Bush announced a full pardon for a prominent Chicago politician caught in the Illinois bribery scandal.
Ivy rivalry reaches new heights
Friday, September 21st, 2007: Columbia’s controversial invite to quirky leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a one-up to Cornell’s Kevin Smith engagement.
Mothers’ hopes fade
Saturday, September 8th, 2007: Poll shows mothers feel quality of children has plunged as offspring age. Hopes for their child’s future are lowered as children approach adulthood.
Stop the NRA!
Tuesday, April 17th, 2007: “Effective self defense is a solvable problem. We know it won’t be easy. But we can make it harder for the wrong people to defend themselves through strong gun laws. It is time for our nation’s leaders have courage to say ‘no’ to the gun lobby’s mantra of self defense, freedom and liberty.”
Media giants apologize for remarks about Israel
Sunday, July 30th, 2006: New York Times, Washington Post, Associated Press, Reuters apologize for “drunken tirade against Israel” and blame BD Syndrome.
Bush delays al-Zarqawi to influence elections
Saturday, June 10th, 2006: Blogger, California Democrat, media suspicious over timing of high-profile terrorist’s death.
Bush to send chocolates, alcohol to Iran
Friday, June 2nd, 2006: The White House offers to send chocolate and alcohol to Iran—apparently unaware that wine is forbidden under Islamic law.
Danes riot over Marvel Comics
Thursday, February 23rd, 2006: Incensed over Marvel Comics’s depiction of Norse deity “Thor”, Danes call for Stan Lee’s death and apology from United States.
Pig-squealer rebuilds embassy in three days
Thursday, February 9th, 2006: Rioters claim Jacques Barrot feat justifies original burning.
Anti-porn activist decries pornographic marriages
Friday, October 21st, 2005: Anti-pornography activist Maggie Gallagher decries government involved in marriage, calls it state-sponsored pornography.
French press decries foreign war
Thursday, October 13th, 2005: Louis XVI’s popularity is at an all-time low following several setbacks in the former British colonies.
New, Improved Democracy hits hungry market
Friday, August 26th, 2005: “It’s better than the original,” says Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer of his new commercial democracy. Breyer’s New, Improved Democracy is set to compete in a field currently dominated by New Deal Super Fudge Chunk Democracy and Therapeutic Republic Democracy.
Democrats fear gay right wing court nominee
Thursday, August 4th, 2005: Liberal politicians are aghast at Bush Supreme Court nominee’s support of gay marriage rights and other right-wing causes.
Patriotic essay wins teen free trip to Bangladesh
Thursday, July 21st, 2005: New York teenager’s award-winning patriotic essay wins her free trip in Home Security Administration’s “Why I love America” essay contest.
Bush refuses to create Big Brother post
Thursday, August 5th, 2004: President Bush refuses to create “big brother” intelligence post. Democrats appalled at Republican intransigence.
Terror in the Skies
Monday, July 19th, 2004: This is an account of what happened during a domestic flight that one of our writers, Shaheen Hamedi, took from Detroit to Los Angeles. The WWR Editorial Team debated about how to handle this information and ultimately we decided it should be shared.
Michael Moore calls for revenge on Saudi Arabia
Monday, June 28th, 2004: Filmmaker, enraged that Saudis fled to safety, calls for repayment of “blood debt”.
Disney Drops Flat Earth Opus
Wednesday, May 5th, 2004: Walt Disney studios drops controversial filmmaker Michael Moore’s latest documentary showing the earth is flat.
Kerry criticizes lower gas prices
Tuesday, April 20th, 2004: Candidate Kerry criticizes Bush attempts to negotiate lower gas prices, cites environmental concerns.
Democrats call for unilateral war, pre-emptive crackdowns
Sunday, April 4th, 2004: Amid Democrat calls for exchanging civil liberties for security and for greater crack-downs on minorities before September 11-style attacks, Republicans “confused but happy”.
Apple’s computer failures drop precipitously
Thursday, February 26th, 2004: New marketshare statistics show Apple computers not being replaced often enough.
Jersey Democratic Party Shifts to Right
Sunday, December 7th, 2003: Party lawyer Genova pulls Reagan defense, claims “I do not recall.”
Deep Inside, Everyone is Black
Friday, November 28th, 2003: African-American leaders say that the only racism is against blacks, because “we’re all black inside”.
California Governor resigns amid controversy
Wednesday, September 10th, 2003: Davis succumbs to calls for resignation over anti-immigrant statements.
RIAA Claims Child Pornography Infringes on Copyrights
Saturday, September 6th, 2003: The embattled recording industry organization claims that child pornography found on file sharing networks infringes on industry-owned imagery.
Do you have a job for me?
Tuesday, June 24th, 2003: Walkerville Weekly Reader (Do you have a job for me?)
Open Source Konquers Microsoft
Saturday, June 14th, 2003: Microsoft says they cannot compete with open source projects, cancels Internet Explorer.
Michael Moore gags Tim Robbins
Wednesday, June 4th, 2003: Moore calls for using Campaign Finance Reform law against outspoken actor.
Democrats deny bedroom privacy rights
Friday, April 25th, 2003: After Senator Rick Santorum links gay rights with privacy rights, Democrats, gay groups, and right wing Christian groups join in denying privacy rights in the bedroom.
Coalition Soldiers Key Saddam’s Storm
Monday, April 7th, 2003: Iraq denies “key maneuver” successful, says farmers “sent U.S. packing.”
Michael Moore Refuses Oscar
Monday, March 24th, 2003: Director issues “Shame on you,” to Academy for awarding an Oscar to a “fictitious documentary”.
Saywell is Kew
Tuesday, January 28th, 2003: Walkerville Weekly Reader (Saywell is Kew)
Pelosi not a liberal?
Friday, November 15th, 2002: New House minority leader blames biased press for unfair image.
Independent filmmaker calls for “Population Control” in public schools
Tuesday, October 1st, 2002: Director Michael Moore touts Columbine incident as model for fighting overpopulation at its source: children.
9/11 Rights Off!
Wednesday, September 11th, 2002: Across America today, citizens and representatives celebrated the September 11 attacks and the attackers with fireworks, effigies, lynchings, and chain mails.
Hong Kong liberties safe
Monday, July 15th, 2002: Last-minute pre-handover program by Britain and America safeguards Hong Kong civil rights.
Ticket agent foils terrorism at LAX
Thursday, July 4th, 2002: California Senator calls for extending program that arms airline employees.
Hitler’s little loving army
Wednesday, January 30th, 2002: Walkerville Weekly Reader (Hitler’s little loving army)
I thought I was imagining things
Tuesday, January 29th, 2002: Walkerville Weekly Reader (I thought I was imagining things)
Bush announces kinder, gentler war on terrorism
Monday, November 12th, 2001: Three-pronged attack will end racism, encourage self-defense, and end prohibition.
Alan Dershowitz supports torture, national identity papers
Thursday, November 8th, 2001: When forced to choose between self-defense and a police state, famous civil liberties activist chooses police state.
New York’s anti-minority rules will be enforced
Thursday, November 1st, 2001: Officials say that despite the box-cutter attacks, New York will enforce anti-minority cell-phone rules.
Bush arms pilots with heavy weapons
Monday, October 15th, 2001: President says that only military weaponry will be allowed aboard passenger jets.
Stewardess foils Taliban hijacking
Sunday, October 14th, 2001: Arming women unfair, say al Qaeda hijackers in wake of FAA decision allowing firearms on-board airlines
Sarah Brady supports racial profiling
Wednesday, October 10th, 2001: Former Handgun Control leader says racial profiling works well for other countries.
Gephardt introduces Freedom’s Wake holiday
Sunday, September 23rd, 2001: Illinois Senator introduces legislation to create national holiday celebrating 2nd Tuesday of September.
Walters supports aid to bin Laden
Tuesday, September 11th, 2001: Drug czar nominee says American dollars should be funneled to Arabic “heroes” through harsh prohibition laws.
Is Reader Satire?
Tuesday, August 7th, 2001: Reader accused of being as good as Saturday Night Live and the Jon Stewart show. The Reader respectfully demurs.
Someone is a fiction writer
Wednesday, August 1st, 2001: Walkerville Weekly Reader (Someone is a fiction writer)
ACLU supports increased police powers
Saturday, May 19th, 2001: ACLU goes on record supporting decreased privacy, a more efficient trial system, and greater minority harassment.
Speaking about curfews
Sunday, May 6th, 2001: Walkerville Weekly Reader (Speaking about curfews)
Supporting hate speech against law enforcement
Saturday, May 5th, 2001: Walkerville Weekly Reader (Supporting hate speech against law enforcement)
Vancouver school enacts zero tolerance for poor fashion
Saturday, May 5th, 2001: Canadian high school principle tells students to ignore the fashion rules. The laws will never be enforced against them unless they’re undesirables. Nice kids need not worry.
Michigan residents more violent
Monday, December 11th, 2000: Muskegon Chronicle survey brands Michigan residents as more violent than the rest of the nation.
Nobody Wins!
Wednesday, November 8th, 2000: Nobody remains ahead in key state of Florida, giving Nobody the 270 electoral votes needed to win.
Gore Opposes, Supports Gun Control, Prohibition
Thursday, October 5th, 2000: Saying “women have the right to control their destinies,” Gore announces 360 degree turnaround in Democratic party platform with regards to the drug war and gun control.
Gore supports recycling-based gas rationing
Wednesday, October 4th, 2000: Vice President introduces innovative new gas tax, says that picking up cans can pay for gas.
Secret Service says no profiles in school shootings
Sunday, August 20th, 2000: Anti-gun activist suggests that Secret Service action might jeopardize further gun control.
Violence Policy Center decries low violence among CCW holders
Sunday, August 13th, 2000: Anti-gun organization is angry that Texas concealed carry licensees are not killing at the same rate as everybody else.
Helmet statistics spur call for no daylight driving
Wednesday, August 2nd, 2000: Statistics show that as daylight hours increase, daylight driving deaths also increase.
Destroy the children to save them
Monday, July 10th, 2000: Curfew struck down as “too restrictive”, ACLU says curfews are okay, and police wonder what to do about blacks without the law.
U.S. zero tolerance laws create ‘black-free school zone’
Sunday, July 2nd, 2000: School ‘zero tolerance’ rules target black children for special sanctions. NAACP expresses full support.
Rapist killed by handgun
Saturday, July 1st, 2000: Victim of handgun killing dies, gunman remains at large.
Massachusetts sets sail to a grand future
Thursday, June 29th, 2000: Legislature votes to take voting rights from felons. Governor calls it a ‘first step’ towards putting more dangerous non-violent criminals in jail.
Springsteen arrested in New York City
Tuesday, June 13th, 2000: Aging rock-and-roller runs afoul of hate crime laws for new song based on police racism.
Ohio congressman dies mysterious death
Sunday, June 4th, 2000: Representative James A. Traficant found dead in DC. Local police say he ate too many Whoppers.
Publisher arrested for remembering Hitler
Saturday, June 3rd, 2000: “Forgive and forget,” say authorities, “but definitely forget.”
Rosie O’Donnell breaks with HCI, joins NRA
Friday, June 2nd, 2000: Controversial talk show host says today’s gun laws too restrictive, advocates wider ownership and mandatory high school shooting classes.
Restorative law enforcement success in St. Petersburg
Saturday, May 27th, 2000: St. Petersburg police retroactively slash throat of employee whose death was prevented by evil gun granny.
Politics make good products
Wednesday, May 24th, 2000: House ban on micromanagement is the worst form of micromanagement, says Representative Carolyn McCarthy. Supports new ‘zen’ procurement method.
Canadian government builds perfect computer
Sunday, May 21st, 2000: New computer system is impervious to both computer-based attacks and human factors attacks, and offers great promise in civilian applications.
Million moms march for population reduction
Monday, May 15th, 2000: Mothers believe U.S. population too high, support radical population reduction techniques.
No bullets fired during Davidian fire
Wednesday, May 10th, 2000: Branch Davidians used invisible bullets during fateful raid.
NAACP and Ku Klux Klan join forces in Washington
Monday, January 17th, 2000: Black civil rights organization and Southern terrorists join to stop blacks from owning firearms.
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