The Walkerville Weekly Reader

In the end times, one newspaper dared to call God to task for His hypocrisy. That newspaper was not us, we swear it. Not the eternal flames!

Walkerville, VA
Monday, July 28, 2014
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

  • President Obama violin concertos console bereaved Iraqis

    President’s iPod an oasis in crisis for the stress of a historic presidency, and the Middle East.

    Nero with violin

    President Obama overseas U.S. foreign policy from the Truman Balcony.

    In the wake of renewed Al Qaeda activity following US failure to negotiate a status of forces agreement in Iraq, the White House sent its condolences to Iraqis on Wednesday.

    The United States strongly condemns the recent attacks in Iraq by the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL). We offer our condolences to the families of those killed and underscore our commitment to assist the Iraqi people as they confront the threat that ISIL poses to Iraq and the region.

    The White House promised intensive diplomacy and invoked the high-profile hashtag generators at the State Department to “shame the terrorist organization into abandoning their unacceptable behavior.”

    The State Department’s internationally-respected #HashTagDiplomacy culminated in U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Samantha Power’s strongly-worded tweet,

    Strongly condemn attacks in Mosul by the Islamic State in Iraq and Levant (#ISIL), and its efforts to turn back clock on #Iraq’s progress.

    The White House promised further Twitter barrages against the al Qaeda subsidiary as soon as the World Cup ends.

  • Mozilla Foundation fires most of California

    In the aftermath of JavaScript creator and Mozilla founder Brendan Eich’s departure, the Mozilla Foundation has further outlined the limits of employment at their Mountain View offices.

    California Proposition 8 county results

    Portions of California no longer eligible to work for Mozilla are in green. All code submitted by green California will be rejected.

    Mozilla founder Brendan Eich, whose 2008 campaign donation of $1,000 donation supporting California’s Proposition 8 ensured the illegal passage of the measure, has stepped down from his position as CEO this week.

    According to Mozilla’s Executive Chairwoman Mitchell Baker, Eich “was not forced to resign by her or others on its board. He was, however, pressured to do so.” The pressure applied to Mr. Eich, according to Baker, “was not force. It was more of a light, gender-appropriate touching.”

    Baker added that this was not meant in any way to denigrate non-gender-appropriate touching.

    Mozilla’s board came out with a blog post further detailing their support for non-forceful freedom of speech:

  • Pennsylvania AG says crime is racist

    Pennsylvania Attorney General vows to stop investigating and prosecuting crimes. “We know most blacks commit crimes, so it’s racist to target criminals for prosecution.”

    Pennsylvania Attorney General Kathleen Kane

    Attorney General Kathleen Kane tells reporter, “We will happily sue your ass off.”

    The Pennsylvania Attorney General’s office has announced an innovative new law enforcement program designed to ensure equal opportunity access to the criminal justice system.

    According to Pennsylvania Attorney General Kathleen Kane, “it’s racist to investigate crimes committed by blacks, because all blacks are criminals.”

    Kane said that a similar problem existed among Democrats. “In fact,” she reported, “that’s how this problem came to our attention. My predecessor launched a corruption investigation targeting all politicians in Philadelphia. But even though the sting targeted both Democrats and Republicans, only Democrats were interested in learning more about the opportunity for corruption.”

    Kane charged that “investigating corruption when you know some of the politicians are Democrats is entrapment.” She noted that “Many Democrats, even those that have not yet become corrupt, recognize this. They simply can’t resist that sweet, sweet cash!”