The Walkerville Weekly Reader

In the end times, one newspaper dared to call God to task for His hypocrisy. That newspaper was not us, we swear it. Not the eternal flames!

Walkerville, VA
Monday, December 15, 2014
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

  • Orion spacecraft makes successful test flight

    Feminists complain it wasn’t wearing sensible shoes.

    Orion test flight

    “A rocket of this shape isn’t appropriate if you care about women in STEM.”—Astrophysicist Katie Mack.

    Orion, an unmanned spacecraft designed to land astronauts on an asteroid—and later on Mars—completed its first successful test flight today. The unmanned capsule splashed down in the Pacific Ocean, ending its first test flight.

    NASA engineers were delighted with the successful flight. “We were forced to scrub an earlier launch on Thursday after a trio of problems,” said NASA engineer Chris Knight.

    The Atlantic’s Rose Eveleth tweeted,

    No no women are tooooootally welcome in our community, just look at all this talk about scrubbing. Bet that’s the woman’s job, right, boys?

    A NASA spokesperson called the splashdown a “bull’s eye” landing, further earning the ire of Eveleth and other feminists. “It’s bad enough that rockets are shaped… the way they’re shaped,” said Violet Swooner of Trigger Warnings Newsletter, “but to compare them to violent bulls just erects further barriers to women entering STEM professions.”

    NASA further incurred the wrath of the feminist community when it described Orion’s mothership as a “Delta IV Heavy rocket”.

    “Curved spaceships are more efficient,” said Swooner, “and should not be subject to sizeist labelings.”

    The Atlantic’s Eveleth added in a later tweet,

    Orion crossed the Pacific and didn’t shop? No wonder women don’t get into space sciences. Just ask the spaceship without sensible shoes.

    NASA and Knight apologized to the feminist community for not outfitting Orion with appropriate footwear for its special event. Knight promised a moratorium on all space flights until they solve the wardrobe malfunction issue.

  • Democrats deny Obamacare savior three times

    Before the cock crowed twice, disciples of Jonathan Gruber deny knowing him three times in response to Republican accusations.

    In 2009, political consultant Jonathan Gruber saved the Affordable Care Act using his Microsimulation Model to trick the Congressional Budget Office into scoring the controversial legislation favorably. Under White House supervision he also added provisions to kill the tax deduction for employer-based health insurance. After working with the White House to outline the bill’s objectives, the White House “lent him to Capitol Hill to help Congressional staff members draft the specifics of the legislation.”

    But recently, YouTubing his speeches, Republicans, with a great multitude of words and ravings betrayed this architect—whom they had once loved, in Massachusetts—and frightened the Democrats into abandoning Gruber and fleeing from his analyses.

  • Support the freedom to vote as you wish

    The Reader is proud to offer space for this guest editorial to the American Civil Liberties Union. We prove our independence whenever we align with similar political interests.

    Tammany Seuss

    We are in a race against time to make sure millions of proxy and extra (important, ha ha) votes aren’t excluded from this fall’s critical elections—and we need your immediate involvement in the ACLU’s all-out effort to protect the right to over-vote.

    Here is the situation. Aggressive backers of ballot integrity—voter ID, purges of dead and moved voters from voter files, and rollbacks of laws that let people sign up for voting without identification and then immediately vote without verification—are driving to have a heavy impact on vote-balancing methods in November’s elections.

    They are warning the public about past ballot-tampering attempts and highlighting the weaknesses in ballot integrity, and trying to convince the public to support clean elections.