The Walkerville Weekly Reader

In the end times, one newspaper dared to call God to task for His hypocrisy. That newspaper was not us, we swear it. Not the eternal flames!

Walkerville, VA
Monday, October 17, 2016
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

  • Clinton calls for institutionalizing, curing, Trump supporters

    After Republican Donald Trump calls for a special prosecutor to investigate Clinton’s email server, Hillary Clinton calls for beating Trump supporters. Journalists immediately investigate voter who asked question about health care.

    Trump supporter in San Jose, beaten

    Authorities are unsure if the blood on this victim of pro-Clinton violence came from the victim, or from one of the candidate’s coughing attacks.

    Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton today diagnosed Trump supporters as exhibiting “irredeemably psychopathological mechanisms of dissent”, and called for their psychiatric incarceration today, after the Republican candidate threatened to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate the former Secretary of State if elected.

    After talking to a psychiatrist who I will not name, I have been informed that Donald Trump supporters are emotionally unstable with a tendency to engage in fantasizing. They also exhibit an unusual stubbornness and temper when they do not get their way. I have been told by another unnamed expert, in political psychology, that political supporters require psychiatric incarceration, in the best interests of justice.”

    The candidate suggested that anyone who opposes her nomination requires psychiatric examination, and urged the press to perform its civic duty.

    Several news outlets immediately began investigating the background of a voter who asked a question about health care at the recent Presidential debate.

    The candidate also suggested immediate intervention by caring bystanders when professional help is unavailable. For example, after an African-American protester accused her of aiding and abetting her husband’s often vigorous amorous exploits, she said, “You know, I do hope somebody follows that gentleman and stages an intervention.”

    “It takes a village to raise a noose,” Clinton added.

    According to news reports, Clinton supporters have staged interventions with Trump supporters around the country. Often wearing coffee or nut-colored shirts, these sturmabuelas have convinced many Trump supporters to seek medical attention.

  • Shocker: Hillary Clinton endorses Donald Trump

    After reviewing Comey testimony, former Secretary of State says Donald Trump has more of what it takes to be President, drops out of race.

    Clintons at Trump wedding

    Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton discuss Clinton’s surprising endorsement, and future ethical training.

    Democratic candidate for President Hillary Clinton surprised the press at her first press conference of 2016 by announcing that she is formally endorsing the Republican candidate, Donald Trump.

    The former Secretary of State said that Mr. Trump has the temperament and personality necessary to “do exactly what should be done, and take America’s interest and security very seriously.”

    Mrs. Clinton took herself out of the running for President, claiming that “if elected, I might short-circuit, and be unable to perform my White House duties.”

  • Democrats: Women faint, it’s what they do

    Press, Democrats, defend Hillary Clinton’s collapse, gaffes. “All women faint when they can’t stand the heat.”

    Hillary Clinton in snow

    Democratic candidate found wandering streets, babbling, in sweltering New York heat wave. “I’m telling you, it talked to me. It wished me a happy birthday!” (Stan Honda/AFP/Getty Images)

    After Hillary Clinton appeared to collapse spasmodically in high-seventy-degree weather, the American press and other Democrats defended her by saying “all women faint when it gets hot.”

    “That’s what women do,” said Mary Elizabeth Williams at Salon. “In more enlightened times, we had fainting couches for women, but the patriarchy has taken them away.”

    Where do you think the saying, if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen, came from? It means, women can’t stand the heat. Certainly not the seventy-odd degree temperatures in New York that day.