The Walkerville Weekly Reader

In the end times, one newspaper dared to call God to task for His hypocrisy. That newspaper was not us, we swear it. Not the eternal flames!

Walkerville, VA
Monday, November 23, 2015
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

  • Nothing to Queer but Queer itself

    You’re just being paranoid, America. Nobody’s forcing you to take part in gay marriage or forcing your children to approve of transsexuality. Just let them be themselves and they’ll leave you alone.

    Chicago Anal Slide

    Your eighth-grader or high school student will never be given a pop quiz on anal insertions.

    There’s been a lot of hysteria lately from conservatives fearing a slippery slope if they “give in” on queer rights. We thought we’d do our part to alleviate their fears by reprinting this Hark Thrice article from thirty years ago. Thrice’s soothing words are just as relevant today as they were in 1986.

    Last I looked at the calendar, it was 1986, and yet conservatives are still acting as if it were 1960, predicting that the Democratic Party was about to start worshipping the Pope. My friends on the other side of the aisle, you are acting and speaking unreasonably. When queer rights activists ask for the same rights you yourselves enjoy, they are not secretly greasing some slippery slope for America. Once they get what they want, they’ll stop.

    Just because gays can marry, does not mean that you will be forced to take part in a gay marriage. It will never happen, so stop worrying about it. It’s not a winning platform, it’s a whining platform.

    When we open our schools and children’s groups to queer instructors and facilitators, they will continue to follow the standard curriculum. It does not mean that your children will be taught the benefits of fisting and anal sex. That’s crazy talk. Even queers love their children.

    Accepting gender reassignment surgery for adults is not a scheme to mainstream deviance. Adults have the right to choose whatever surgery they feel they need to be normal. Just because it’s accepted among adults, doesn’t mean children will be encouraged to choose gender reassignment surgery before they’ve matured enough to make such a permanent decision.

    Mr. Thrice’s voice of reason was a great calming influence to a previous generation. Since he wrote that article, however, even more outrageous scenarios have been proposed by fearmongers taking advantage of the recent hysteria. We would like to provide further reassurance to our conservative brethren, sistren, sethren, bristren, whitren, blackren, wackren, and othren.

    • No gay scoutmaster will ever marry one of his charges.
    • Clergy will never be required to perform gay marriages against their will.
    • Parents will never be forced to support transgender surgery for their underage children.
    • Families will never be punished for complaining about a relationship between their child and their child’s schoolteacher.

    We guarantee that these predictions will be just as reliable as our predictions from 1986. Stop with the crazy talk, people. Just not gonna happen.

    Trust us.

  • Politico: Bush should have started war July 2001

    President George W. Bush ignored critical advice from intelligence advisor five months into presidency: “We need to go on a wartime footing now!”

    Presidents Bush and Fox toast

    Ignoring CIA advice to keep immigrants out, President Bush toasts Mexican national a mere six days before September 11 attacks.

    Politico reporter Chris Whipple writes that George W. Bush refused to implement wartime restrictions in July of 2001, mere months before the September 11 attacks on the United States by foreign Al Qaeda terrorist group.

    “If President Bush had followed the advice of CIA counterterrorism chief Cofer Black on July 10 and took the United States to war half a year after taking office, we might have prevented the 9/11 attacks,” writes Whipple.

    According to the Politico reporter, Richard Blee, head of the CIA’s Al Qaeda unit, told the Bush administration exactly how Al Qaeda’s attack would occur.

  • Politico retracts Carson retraction

    Democratic house organ retracts most claims, sticks by allegation against Ben Carson “being black without a license”.

    Politico Lynching

    Politico retracted staff journalist Kyle Cheney’s Friday report that the Carson campaign had retracted Carson’s story of the candidate being offered admission to the prestigious West Point military academy in his youth, which carries a full scholarship.

    “The Carson campaign now claims that what sounded like a retraction to us was instead meant as a correction,” wrote Politico’s editorial staff Friday afternoon.

    Later on Friday, Politico also retracted its allegations that Carson claimed to have applied to West Point, noting that the brain surgeon “seems to have specifically said, in his book and elsewhere, that as a poor young black man he could afford to apply to only one school, and he chose Yale.”

    On Saturday, Politico further retracted Cheney’s piece, retracting its allegation that West Point does not offer scholarships, after being confronted with advertising campaigns from the military academy that specifically offer “full government scholarships.”