The Walkerville Weekly Reader

In the end times, one newspaper dared to call God to task for His hypocrisy. That newspaper was not us, we swear it. Not the eternal flames!

Walkerville, VA
Monday, July 18, 2016
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

  • Democrats introduce mens rea reform

    Congressional Democrats move to extend FBI Director Comey’s Clinton mens rea standard to all Americans.

    Hillary Clinton at press conference

    “I didn’t need a new wardrobe after all?”

    Two weeks after FBI Director James Comey announced that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton should not be prosecuted because she lacked the mental capacity to form intent, Democratic lawmakers have introduced important mens rea reform. Democrats say that their reforms will extend the protections Clinton received to the everyday American.

    Republican reformers, who have been trying to introduce mens rea reform into the law for years were surprised Wednesday when Democratic lawmakers introduced a more sweeping version of reform than they ever dared try.

    Attorney General Loretta Lynch signed off on the Democratic proposal which would, if enacted, gut the Attorney General’s power to prosecute, after a one-hour meeting with Bill Clinton in a disused Arizona airport basement lavatory with a sign on the door saying “beware of the leopard”.

    Democrats argue that there are “just plain too many laws out there for people to know what they’re doing wrong. It’s time to remove the foot of big government from the face of the American people.”

    Democrats were adamant that drunk drivers, for example, should not be held responsible for the accidents and deaths that happen to occur when they drive off of a bridge and leave their passenger to drown, “because people do not have the mental clarity, when drunk, to be prosecuted.”

    FBI Director Comey agreed, saying that “even without this reform, we always look at, for example, was the person drunk when they committed the act, or was the victim wearing a short dress when she was assaulted? All of these go into whether or not a person should be prosecuted.”

  • Celebrate Independence Day: Rejoin Britain

    United States politicians and pundits plan to fix flawed U.S. exit vote by rejoining Britain, returning the United States to the European Union.

    Prime Minister David Cameron and Secretary of State John Kerry

    Secretary of State Kerry shows Prime Minister David Cameron how to keep voters at arm’s length while Cameron begins his imitation of Napoleon at Waterloo.

    Many Americans plan to spend Independence Day this year bemoaning the loss of Britain from the European Union. Many were especially worried about the effect of Brexit on elections in the United States.

    “What’s to stop Brexit voters from coming to the United States and voting illegally in our elections?” asked one Community College of Vermont student.

    Another student suggested putting British voters on the national terror watch list.

    However, many American politicians plan to spend Independence Day working to ensure that Britain does not leave the European Union. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry rallied British politicians at the Aspen Ideas Festival by saying that “Britain may never leave the European Union. There are a number of ways for Britain to walk back from the brink of freedom.”

  • President Obama blames EU, self, for Brexit vote

    I failed to understand issues of critical importance to the British people, says President. “I’ve learned my lesson.”

    President Obama in Britain

    “I’ve learned important lesson from Brexit vote,” President announces. (Official White House Photo by Sonya N. Hebert)

    President Barack Obama told the world Friday that his campaign in England for Remain may have tipped the balance in favor of Leave. He added that European Union bureaucrats share in the blame for Britain leaving the European Union.

    He also had sharp criticism for German chancellor Angela Merkel.

    “Nobody likes to be told what to do, what to buy, who their friends are, and how to live,” said President Obama. “The British people have been complaining to the EU for years that Union has been becoming less of a partnership and more of EU bureaucrats telling member nations—and even member citizens—how to live their lives.”