The Walkerville Weekly Reader

In the end times, one newspaper dared to call God to task for His hypocrisy. That newspaper was not us, we swear it. Not the eternal flames!

Walkerville, VA
Monday, February 8, 2016
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

  • Ohio resists Michigan suicide bombers, rekindles Toledo War

    What are the grievances that lead to suicide bombers in Ohio? Michiganders fight for stolen land and right of return to the Buckeye State.

    Ohio motto and seal

    The Ohio State motto, implying a divine right to invade Michigan, has stirred resentment among the northern farm peoples.

    Over the past few weeks, violence in the centuries-long Ohio-Michigan conflict has flared up, with almost weekly suicide-bomb attacks in the Buckeye state. Here’s what you need to know.

    Bloody rivalries are not unusual in this part of the Midwest, but this particular wave of aggression is very different from the orchestrated gridiron battles of the past. The Michigan-Ohio conflict has its roots in the nineteenth century with the movement towards territories becoming states. The collision between those two territories eventually escalated into the Toledo War in 1835, and expanded into the wider Wolverine-Buckeye conflict later on.

    Following the Declaration of the Establishment of the State of Michigan on January 26, 1837, which forced Michigan to cede the coveted Toledo Strip to Ohio, the Michigan Wolverines decided to intervene on behalf of Ohioan Michiganders, marching their forces into Ohio State University in 1897 and then on a yearly basis since 1918. Michigan has defeated the Ohio State Buckeyes 58 times in their 112 conflicts, most notably in 1902 when Michigan crushed Ohio 86 to zero.

    According to some historians, Ohio was not legitimately a state when the Toledo Strip was forcibly removed from Michigan. These historians claim that Ohio was only retroactively made a state in 1953.

    Michigan was offered frozen deserts to the north in exchange for the fertile Toledo Strip. The so-called “upper peninsula” is unattached to Michigan, requiring a massive bridge be built to allow Michigan to access the frozen wasteland.

    In an unwritten arrangement in place since Ohio took control of the Toledo Strip in 1836, Ohioans are not allowed to use the Highland Meadows Golf Club. Increasingly in recent years, hardline Buckeye activists have demanded greater access to the golf course and Chamber of Commerce spokespersons have called for rights of Ohioans to play there.

  • ACLU calls for repeal of slavery amendments!

    Venerable civil rights organization makes claim that only the Framers of the United States constitution should have ever been allowed to propose amendments.

    ACLU campaign to repeal 13th amendment

    ACLU of Texas executive director Terri Burke unveiled the ACLU’s new pro-slavery campaign in response to Texas Governor Greg Abbott’s call for constitutional amendments to promote individual liberty.

    The ACLU has called for the restoration of slavery in the United States, in response to Texas Governor Greg Abbott’s appeal for new constitutional amendments.

    “Governor Abbott, as Texas Democrats, we prefer the Framers’ plan. We should not mess with the Constitution,” said Terri Burke, executive director of the ACLU of Texas. Burke continued that “every amendment after the Framers died is illegitimate, and should be repealed. That starts with the 13th, 14th, and 15th anti-slavery amendments, and continues on through the 26th.

    “Slavery was part of the Framers’ plan,” said Burke, “and I could use a few slaves myself. There just isn’t enough time in the day to do all the cleaning and cooking I need done.”

  • Clinton vows UFO investigation

    Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton assures America she will investigate the UFOs of Area 51 and stand up to the vast ice cream conspiracy.

    President Obama at El Reno

    President Obama visits Secretary of State Clinton behind her UFO-proof tinfoil bunker.

    Amidst growing concern that the Bill Cosby trial may drag Hillary Clinton’s treatment of women into the spotlight, the Democratic front-runner last week pivoted to the search for extra-terrestrials. During a New Hampshire stump interview, in response to a question about whether the Earth has already been visited by UFOs, she added that “I think we may have been. We don’t know for sure by whom or when, but I think we have been.”

    The candidate promised, as President, to create a government task force to investigate the government conspiracy in Area 51 and pledged to “get the information out about UFOs”.

    Mrs. Clinton also pledged to get to the bottom of other mysterious phenomena. For example, she charged that global warming is a post-war conspiracy by the vast ice cream industry.

    “It’s incredibly obvious, isn’t it? Carbon dioxide is introduced into our atmosphere to sap the planet,” said the candidate, “leading to increased consumption of frozen milk products.”