The Walkerville Weekly Reader

In the end times, one newspaper dared to call God to task for His hypocrisy. That newspaper was not us, we swear it. Not the eternal flames!

Walkerville, VA
Monday, April 21, 2014
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

  • Mozilla Foundation fires most of California

    In the aftermath of JavaScript creator and Mozilla founder Brendan Eich’s departure, the Mozilla Foundation has further outlined the limits of employment at their Mountain View offices.

    California Proposition 8 county results

    Portions of California no longer eligible to work for Mozilla are in green. All code submitted by green California will be rejected.

    Mozilla founder Brendan Eich, whose 2008 campaign donation of $1,000 donation supporting California’s Proposition 8 ensured the illegal passage of the measure, has stepped down from his position as CEO this week.

    According to Mozilla’s Executive Chairwoman Mitchell Baker, Eich “was not forced to resign by her or others on its board. He was, however, pressured to do so.” The pressure applied to Mr. Eich, according to Baker, “was not force. It was more of a light, gender-appropriate touching.”

    Baker added that this was not meant in any way to denigrate non-gender-appropriate touching.

    Mozilla’s board came out with a blog post further detailing their support for non-forceful freedom of speech:

    Mozilla believes both in equality and freedom of speech. Equality is necessary for meaningful speech. And you need free speech to fight for equality. Figuring out how to stand for both at the same time can be hard.

    Therefore, we have decided to ban any speech that is opposed by the intolerant, the loud, and those who wear brown.

    Our mission will now be to make the Web more regulated so that the content becomes stronger, more pure and more just: that’s what it means to protect the Web 3.0.

    “The bottom line,” said Baker, “is that we support freedom of speech as long as it doesn’t bother anybody. Or at least anybody that matters.”

  • Pennsylvania AG says crime is racist

    Pennsylvania Attorney General vows to stop investigating and prosecuting crimes. “We know most blacks commit crimes, so it’s racist to target criminals for prosecution.”

    Pennsylvania Attorney General Kathleen Kane

    Attorney General Kathleen Kane tells reporter, “We will happily sue your ass off.”

    The Pennsylvania Attorney General’s office has announced an innovative new law enforcement program designed to ensure equal opportunity access to the criminal justice system.

    According to Pennsylvania Attorney General Kathleen Kane, “it’s racist to investigate crimes committed by blacks, because all blacks are criminals.”

    Kane said that a similar problem existed among Democrats. “In fact,” she reported, “that’s how this problem came to our attention. My predecessor launched a corruption investigation targeting all politicians in Philadelphia. But even though the sting targeted both Democrats and Republicans, only Democrats were interested in learning more about the opportunity for corruption.”

    Kane charged that “investigating corruption when you know some of the politicians are Democrats is entrapment.” She noted that “Many Democrats, even those that have not yet become corrupt, recognize this. They simply can’t resist that sweet, sweet cash!”

  • “Superhero” Senator laments end of ice age

    Senator Cory Booker reminisces over a youth spent traveling the long-lost land bridge to Hawaii. DC pols mistake him for savior.

    Once known as the Superhero Mayor of Newark, New Jersey, before he became the Garden State’s Senator, Cory Booker (D-CC) started new rumors about himself in testimony before Congress this week. His statements had the beltway buzzing about Senator’s Jesus-like feat of driving on water in the eighties.

    Senator Booker, in a global warming-inspired filibuster, told Congress that during his younger days wandering the deserts of Jersey, he drove his first car, a 1984 MG MGB GT, from Newark to Hawaii.

    Top Democrats opined privately that they wished Senator Ted Kennedy had owned Booker’s MG.