The Walkerville Weekly Reader

In the end times, one newspaper dared to call God to task for His hypocrisy. That newspaper was not us, we swear it. Not the eternal flames!

Walkerville, VA
Monday, June 29, 2015
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

  • Oregon schools call minorities “shiftless & mindless”

    Oregon white privilege conference says blacks, hispanics best-suited for taking orders from white masters, as they are unable to make decisions for themselves, think for themselves, and achieve success without direction.

    Cartman: respect my authority!

    CFEE Professor Whitey McWhiterson demonstrates his commitment to people of color.

    The Oregon Center for Educational Equity, a Cottage Grove organization that teaches white privilege to K–12 administrators and faculty, has come under fire recently for unintentional bigotry in its training materials. The Center is funded by fees from the schools that use its services to teach administrators to support white privilege. For example, the Gresham-Barlow school district provides “about $1000,000 per year on the Coaching for Educational Equity (CFEE) conference, which is optional for teachers but mandatory for administrators.”

    Among the conference manuals, the teachings of the organization are that:

    • People of color can’t own property. They just destroy it and come back for more.
    • People of color are not suitable for job advancement, but rather should stick with the jobs suitable to their heritage, such as fetching me my drink.
    • People of color are prone to respect authority figures, and should be provided with white authority figures to properly guide them.

    Opponents of the training program argue that the program succumbs to the “bigotry of low expectations endemic to the white activist establishment”. Attendees, however, praise the program for opening them to “a deeper level of consciousness” regarding what it means “to be a person of color in this country.”

    “This was an awakening,” said one high school teacher who took the program. “It made me understand, blacks can’t do anything without whites guiding them. It has given me more confidence to begin to take steps at my school to be an ally to others who are less fortunate, mentally, and who need me to guide them into appropriate careers, careers they can be proud of without having to compete against other, superior races.”

    “Honestly, after taking their program,” said another attendee, “I don’t understand why we trust hispanics to do any job without screwing it up. I’m going to take a serious look at our janitorial staff when I return to the office.”

  • Ariel Burr, first woman on U.S. currency

    Trans female and founder finally overcomes 19th century transphobia and political rival as first woman on United States paper currency. Ariel Burr will be the new face of the ten dollar bill, says Jack Lew.

    Hamilton-Burr duel

    Ariel Burr, on the left, in a fashionably anachronistic 18th century dress.

    There have been many famous transsexuals through history, but none more forgotten than Ariel Burr, née Aaron Burr, early American politician and founder. Ms. Burr, whose story has been hidden by transphobic textbooks and historians, will gain new notoriety as the face of the American sawbuck coming next year. Treasury Secretary Jack Lew announced today that the new ten dollar bill will feature this early nineteenth century vice president and once-prominent founder. Burr will replace Alexander Hamilton on what has until now been known colloquially as the “Hamilton”.

    “It’s only fair that the first woman on United States paper currency should be an other-born,” said NAACP spokesperson Rachel Dolezal, a black woman from Seattle, Washington, born white.

  • Wife offers no apology after husband beats her

    Social change reporter blames victims for attacks, says free speech isn’t worth defending.

    Sandhya Somashekhar

    “That woman knew what she was doing when she baited her abuser,” says Washington Post reporter doing a Marx impression.

    Gwangju Inhwa, the Korean woman who escaped her American husband after she was abused in the first year of her marriage knew what she was doing when she married him.

    She chose to come to this country on a fiancée visa, making her immigrant status dependent on her future husband’s. She was a carefree college student in Korea when she met her husband, a man of Korean descent who was raised in the Washington area. They dated for a while, carried on an e-mail relationship when he returned to the United States and eventually got engaged.