The Walkerville Weekly Reader

In the end times, one newspaper dared to call God to task for His hypocrisy. That newspaper was not us, we swear it. Not the eternal flames!

Walkerville, VA
Monday, August 3, 2015
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

  • Exclusive: Garland gunman’s Fast & Furious firearm form

    Garland, Texas, gunman Nadir Soofi purchased at least one firearm through the Obama administrations Fast and Furious program for arming drug lords, according to Justice Department sources.

    Nadir Soofi Form 4473

    Garland gunman’s form 4473, showing Fast & Furious purchase “to punch back twice as hard”.

    Nadir Soofi, the oddly-named son of a Catholic nurse who attacked anti-Muslim conservative—and critic of President Obama—Pamela Gellar in May, purchased one of his firearms five years ago at Lone Wolf Trading Company in Phoenix, the Walkerville Weekly Reader can reveal.

    The Reader has acquired Mr. Soofi’s form 4473, used by gun dealers to request a background check on prospective gun buyers. Lone Wolfe Trading Company had a reputation for ignoring inconsistencies in an applicant’s background. What Mr. Soofi could not have known was that this was because Lone Wolf was at the center of the Fast and Furious sting operation run by the current administration, kicking a similar operation by the Bush Administration several years earlier.

    The program was, according to the administration, meant to track gun purchases back to drug cartels and smuggling networks. However, the drug cartels refused to compromise with the administration during their negotiations. In a show of good fait the White House offered a deal similar to that recently negotiated with Iran: in return for nothing, the drug lords got to keep their weapons and use them to kill Border Patrol agents and foreign politicians.

    Because Mr. Soofi was not a drug lord, his application was initially placed on a seven-day hold for a deeper background check. The hold was lifted less than 24 hours later for reasons unknown. What the administration could have seen in the application to convince them to allow the purchase we have been unable to ascertain. The only incongruity on the form, besides a stray mark on one of the yes/no questions, was the phrase “to punch back twice as hard” under the question of purpose.

    Mr. Sofi did not reveal what “to punch back twice has hard” meant, nor what prompted the strange turn of phrase.

  • Bowe Bergdahl freed from Northern California

    The captive soldier was released after talks with President Obama, in exchange for three federal prisoners and two Fox News viewers to be named later.

    Jen Psaki

    “We traded two women, a nut, and two Republicans. What do we care?”

    Former Taliban captive Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl was captured a second time last week, this time by the Mendocino County Sheriff’s Office in Redwood City, California.

    Sergeant Bergdahl was captured by the armed wing of the California government when he was found in the Northern California home of several dope dealers during a raid of a marijuana farm and processing facility.

    The White House assured the nation on Wednesday that Sergeant Bergdahl had no connection with the Mendocino County marijuana operation and announced that they would use the full authority of the United States government to negotiate a release of the captive soldier from California and into the United States.

    High-level negotiations between the administration and the California State led to the release from parole of Lynette Fromme and Sara Jane Moore into California, the release from federal prison of Jared Lee Loughner, and an IRS audit of two Fox News viewers, to be named later.

  • Planned Parenthood announces baby delivery service

    The non-profit plans to compete with market leaders on speed, quality, and taste, to bring healthier, happier babies to a new convenience demographic.

    Tomato, cucumber, soygurt, and fava bean Savory Baguette

    Planned Parenthood recommends customers add legumes to their diet, such as this lovely fava bean, tomato, and cucumber salad on baguettes. (Vegan Feast Catering, CC-BY 2.0)

    Tired of being portrayed as an abortion-only health provider, Planned Parenthood has decided to branch out into delivery services as well.

    “We have researched the market and believe we can provide superior service and quality in this field,” said Senior Director Thomas Harris.

    According to Harris, Planned Parenthood founder Margaret Sanger “bemoaned the full harvest of the dead weight of human waste”. Harris added that the new Planned Parenthood delivery service would use this waste to nourish the poor and hungry and “to diminish the spread of misery and destitution that so impedes racial progress today.”