The Walkerville Weekly Reader

In the end times, one newspaper dared to call God to task for His hypocrisy. That newspaper was not us, we swear it. Not the eternal flames!

Walkerville, VA
Monday, January 26, 2015
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

  • Catholic Church restores Ptolemaic theology

    Pope rescinds Galileo apology: “Mankind is the center of the universe, after all.”

    Saint Dominic presiding over auto-da-fe

    Early church investigates deniers.

    Moving formally to recognize the man-made catastrophic global warming model, Pope Francis today renounced Pope John Paul II’s earlier forgiveness of Galileo Galilei in 1992. The Italian skeptic, a 16th century proponent of denialist claims that mankind is not the center of the universe, also claimed that the sun, rather than being a mere ball of light in the heavens, played a major role in human affairs.

    Pope Francis’s actions return Catholic theology to the dominant scientific consensus in favor of the Ptolemaic humanocentric model of the universe.

    For decades, this model has shown catastrophic and deadly changes lie mere years ahead of us. Those who would deny this model seek to doom mankind to a thousand years of hell on earth.

    Pope Francis said that John Paul erred because he did not recognize the the primacy of the Bible over scientific affairs.

    This led him to transpose into the realm of skepticism a question which in fact pertained to scientific models.

    Pope Francis added that the Church was taking steps to prevent future theological mistakes such as John Paul’s heliocentric heresy.

    The Pope joins modern scientists in recommending tribunals for apostates and heretics who dispute the catastrophic anthropogenic warming model or who question its extent. He suggested an inquisition into denial theorists to stamp out the spread of this anti-science conspiracy.

    Burning witches

    Two consensus scientists convince skeptics that warming is real.

    “They are enemies of mankind,” the religious leader said.

    Francis suggested that the traditional punishment for unscientific skepticism, burning at the stake, could be alleviated if the skeptic recanted:

  • Popular Christmas song perpetuates rape culture

    Global warming experts and feminists warn of rape epidemic with onset of winter weather, holiday music, but mostly holiday music.

    With the holiday season winding down and winter winding up in many northern states, American feminists are raising alarms about an upcoming epidemic of weather-rape.

    Climate change experts have been warning for years that global warming will lead to an increase in rape rates, but the mechanism for the increase has been poorly understood. Feminists believe they have found the link in popular culture, particularly the pop standard Baby, it’s cold outside.

    According to feminists, the Frank Loesser-penned hit is a “date rape carol” or “date rape anthem”. Professor Barbara Boopstein of Walden College explained that

  • Orion spacecraft makes successful test flight

    Feminists complain it wasn’t wearing sensible shoes.

    Orion test flight

    “A rocket of this shape isn’t appropriate if you care about women in STEM.”—Astrophysicist Katie Mack.

    Orion, an unmanned spacecraft designed to land astronauts on an asteroid—and later on Mars—completed its first successful test flight today. The unmanned capsule splashed down in the Pacific Ocean, ending its first test flight.

    NASA engineers were delighted with the successful flight. “We were forced to scrub an earlier launch on Thursday after a trio of problems,” said NASA engineer Chris Knight.

    The Atlantic’s Rose Eveleth tweeted,

    No no women are tooooootally welcome in our community, just look at all this talk about scrubbing. Bet that’s the woman’s job, right, boys?