The Walkerville Weekly Reader

In the end times, one newspaper dared to call God to task for His hypocrisy. That newspaper was not us, we swear it. Not the eternal flames!

Walkerville, VA
Monday, May 2, 2016
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

  • Sanders complains: world has too much food

    Due to global warming, rampant capitalism, the world has too much food and too many people. Overweight outnumber underweight for first time since God talked to Moses. Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders calls for institution of Soviet food lines.

    Equality Donuts

    Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders outlines five-year plan to end the scourge of food oversupply and income mobility.

    According to a new analysis published in The Lancet, global warming and unrestricted capitalism have caused “a global spike in greater access to cheap food, and rising income around the world”. As a result, “it’s been very easy, as countries get out of poverty, to eat a lot and to live longer.”

    Popular science magazine Science News summarized the results: “The world is at once fatter and healthier.”

    On average, people worldwide are eating roughly a half-gallon of ice cream too much. But the road isn’t entirely rocky. During the same time period, average life expectancy also jumped.

    Democrats immediately complained about unbridled capitalism causing obesity, and overpopulation. “When people take longer to die, that means overpopulation,” said the White House in a press release Monday morning. “That’s why it’s critical that we continue implementing the Affordable Care Act, to counter overpopulation.”

    Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders called for the restoration of Democratic Nationalist President Franklin D. Roosevelt’s food destruction policies to “destroy food before it reaches the poor, and to force corporations to produce only the amount that government experts deem necessary for the survival of the race.”

    Sanders, a Democratic Socialist, added that, “this is proof of the superiority of bread lines. If the world has too much food, socialism can fix that. It’s what socialism was designed for.”

  • President Obama announces national library and poets initiative

    Reaping the benefits of a new United States-Cuban dialogue, President Obama announced a new national library and poets program last week, based on a similar program pioneered by Fidel Castro in Cuba.

    Antonio Rodiles beating

    President: “Don’t worry about whether it neatly fits into socialist theory or capitalist theory, just decide what works.”

    Speaking at a press conference in Havana last week, President Obama discussed Cuban President Castro’s accusations of human rights abuses in the United States.

    I personally would not disagree with him. The goal of the human rights dialogue is to make sure that we are having a frank and candid conversation around this issue, and hopefully we can learn from each other.

    President Obama added that the important thing is “advancing the mutual interests of our two countries.”

  • Ready, aim, negotiate: NASA tweets rogue asteroids to divert themselves

    Hashtag diplomacy becomes hashtag science, as the White House leverages modern social media to fight the most ancient of threats.

    Jen Psaki tweets asteroids

    State Department joins hashtag fight against rogue asteroids.

    Scientists at NASA are adopting the State Department’s Hashtag Diplomacy to the space agency’s planetary defense systems. According to NASA administrator Charles Bolden, “hashtag engineering holds great promise for the future of the planet.”

    When I became the NASA administrator, President Obama charged me with three things. One, he wanted me to find out why our satellites are lying to us about global warming; he wanted me to send Ted Cruz to Mars; and third, and perhaps foremost, he wanted me to find a way to reach out to the Asteroid belt and engage much more with the often undocumented rocks that sometimes enter Earth’s atmosphere.

    The goal is to help them feel good about their historic contribution to the solar system, and perhaps to convince them not to slam into the earth at orbital velocities.