The Walkerville Weekly Reader

Breaking News: News as it happens. Almost like CNN. With less bias and more facts. Promise!

Walkerville, VA
Monday, April 6, 2020
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

  • Experts Warn We Have Only 12 Years Left

    “The scientific consensus is that roughly 10-12 years from now, the world will be flooded with new doomsday predictions. This can all be avoided if we overhaul the economy and become socialists, according to non-political, unbiased sciencey type guys.”

    “If we don't take action, then in 12 years we will have to explain why the world hasn't ended and come up with a new number," one UN scientist warned. "This is a very serious threat, and we urge everyone to hand control of the economy to the government immediately before we have no more time left to change the timeline again.”

  • When One Of Her Students Wore A MAGA Hat, This Teacher…

    “Fair warning to all you Drumpf lovers out there: You might want to keep scrolling past this story, because a Resistance smackdown this epic may be too much for you to handle: A student in this Toledo, OH high school wore a MAGA hat to class, and his incredible teacher’s amazing response was to completely stop having sex with him every day after school.

    “As soon as ninth-grader Eric Rollins walked into her morning social studies class sporting his MAGA hat, his teacher, 34-year-old Amanda Higgins, stepped up by immediately pulling him out into the hallway and telling him point-blank that she would no longer be meeting him in secret to have sex in the football field snack stand during study halls. Yep, this teacher is the kind of heroic lover of freedom who simply refuses to have an affair with any student of hers who supports Trump’s despicable administration.”

  • After Orlando, We Must Defund Planned Parenthood

    “There is a word for Planned Parenthood’s role in this form of terrorism: complicity… Granted, cutting off public funding for Planned Parenthood may not have prevented what happened at the Pulse nightclub, and it may not stop future atrocities. But it we can save just one life, not to mention the countless lives targeted by abortionists, it will be worth it.”

    “It has also come to light that Mr. Mateen registered to vote in his home state of Florida in 2006. When he did so, he proactively chose to align himself with the Democratic Party. It is therefore essential that elected Democrats and their powerful echo chamber of media supporters and boosters commence an important process of serious self-reflection and ponder why such a man was attracted to their political rhetoric and agenda. While the precise motivation for the rampage remains unclear, it is quite obvious that Mateen was overwhelmed by hatred for his fellow Americans… It’s long past time for the Democratic Party, and the newspaper editorial boards who reflexively abet it, to stop scapegoating and demonizing millions of Americans—lest it continue to attract ruthless killers into its ranks.”