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“It’s halftime in America, too. People are hurting, and it isn't because of towel snapping and the ol’ Kramergesic-in-the-jockstrap prank. They’re beat up and bruised, and wondering what they’re going to do to make a comeback. We’re all scared, because this isn’t a game.”
“The people of Detroit know a little something about this. Okay, yeah, so this isn't Detroit, it's actually New Orleans. So sue me. We were supposed to film this in Detroit, but GM rented it out to film their Chevy Truck Apocalypse ad. But imagine this really was Detroit, with all its gritty inspiring he-man decay. When the chips were down we all pulled together, hosed down the streets, and turned up the dramatic shadow lighting. Now Motor City is fighting again—as the world's cheapest location shoot for zombie movies.”
“Sure, I’ve seen a lot of tough eras, a lot of downturns in my life. I was in 'Every Which Way But Loose,' for crissakes. There were times when we didn’t understand each other, because you complained that I sounded like an emphezema victim who gargled with Grape Nuts.”
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“As moderator and timekeeper of this evening’s debate I will remind our participants of the ground rules. I will address a question to you, following which you will have 30 seconds to respond. Following your response, the other candidates will have 10 seconds to rebut. If you surpass your allotted time, I will alert you by depressing the bellows of this claxon, following which you will be asked to cease. I will remind our participants that interruptions shall not be brooked, and that they will refrain from using their spittoons and snuffboxes while their opponents are speaking. The order of tonight’s questions have been selected at random, so let us proceed to the issues. My first question is for Bossie the milkcow. In what way does your blue ribbon prize prepare you for the Senate?”
The Lincoln-Douglas debates are the most important debates of our nation’s history. But because they were presented without the necessary press filter, they do not address the important issues of the day.
Last night, the Republican party recreated the Lincoln-Douglas debates with the assistance of the media, providing viewers with a unique glimpse into the compelling problems facing the United States.
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“Like other species in the order homo scientifica, the climate researcher gathers and organizes data to lure grant money to the hive. In contrast to those other species, however, the climate researcher has evolved a set of complex violent behaviors to insure any data leaving the hive is perfectly adapted to nature’s most lucrative and sweetest grants. It really is a marvel of natural selection, and explains why the climate researcher continues to thrive in any kind of weather condition.”
On tonight’s show, the Iowahawk Geographic Society provides a rare glimpse into the secret life of one of “nature’s most elusive scientific species”..
Very, very secret.
President Obama talks about NCLB: In tough economic times, President Obama unveils a new NCLB program to ensure fairness “from Main Street to Wall Street.” Stephen Price Blair goes to the White House to discuss this new program with the President. (read more…)
