The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, November 24, 2014
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Bremer follows evil overlord rules

Head honcho in Iraq also a strong Dungeon Master, and does the same thing to White House gamers “all the time”.

Pulling a trick from the Evil Overlord Top 100, Paul Bremer handed control over to the Iraqi Provisional Government two days early.

“I learned it from running Dungeons & Dragons,” said Bremer. “I’m an evil Dungeon Master.”

Bremer’s players agreed. General Tommy Franks said that he’s never had a character pass fifth level in Bremer’s campaign. “Even Karl Rove is a more lenient GM,” said Franks. “My multi-classed Elven Fighter/Thief/Ranger is fourteenth level in Rove’s game. She kicks ass.”

President Bush declined to choose a favorite game master, but did say that Bremer is “one tough Master Gamer.”

White House insiders indicated that Bush was the only White House gamer to play the same character--a Ranger/Thief named Mr. Pickles--in both campaigns. “It’s his desk,” said one staffer who occasionally fills in for absent first-stringers. “They game in the oval office.”

Condoleezza Rice, who recently lost a sixth level magic-user in Bremer’s game, said that she preferred the challenge of Bremer’s villains. “He pulls shit like that on us all the time,” said the normally soft-spoken Rice. “That’s why I’m able to handle congress so well.”

Presidential opponent Al Gore decried Bush’s role-playing habit as “another example of the evils of the current president and his staff.” Mr. Gore, apparently trying to drive a wedge between Bush and the Christian right, compared Dungeons and Dragons to Satan worship.

Rebel leaders in Iraq vowed to “investigate this Dungeons & Dragons,” but said that they would move directly to the more recent third edition of the rules. “We’re ahead of Bremer on this,” said one rebel. “More flexible, and our characters are higher level.”

Bremer voiced disdain over the rebel choice. “If they think 3E XP are the equivalent of old-style 1E XP,” said Bremer, “they’ve already lost this war. 3E is for sissified gamers who can’t cut real adventure, who can’t handle the game. By god, I remember when a rule meant something and you stuck to it. If the Iraqi rebels want to get into D&D, they’ll play by the rules the way the game was meant to be played.”

Bremer then rolled a 20 on his attack roll against this journalist’s thief, ending the interview.

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