The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, November 20, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Media debate: Bush or Romney at fault for economy?

As the United States economy stalls again, newspaper and television reporters debate the important question: who is at fault?

Mitt Romney: I Love Ann

Economic experts say this photo of Mitt Romney is an abbreviation of “I love annual growth below 2%.” By pushing for decreased government spending, fewer regulations of new businesses, and a lower tax burden on workers, Romney is significantly depressing economic growth, despite not currently holding elected office.

As the United States economy heads into another recession after furiously failing to recover from the previous recession, the nation’s journalists are unsure who is to blame for the country’s new woes.

Is it outgoing President George W. Bush’s fault, or Governor Mitt Romney’s fault?

While conventional wisdom puts the blame squarely on President Bush’s shoulders, Romney is a strong contender. Under Governor Romney’s candidacy, America’s foreign affairs have plummeted. According to Slate writer Eric Posner, “Romney has nearly destroyed United States foreign policy by standing up for free speech when the United States already overvalues free speech by a hundred, two hundred percent.”

Some in the media, having uncovered Romney’s responsibility for U.S. foreign policy, have begun to speculate that he is also responsible for U.S. domestic policy.

“Romney’s culpability is a living, breathing organism,” said Rick Klein of ABC News. “It expands to encompass the sum of all evil. His culpability infests all times, all galaxies, all dimensions.”

Further muddying the waters of blame is the question of whether there’s a recession at all, and even if there is one, is it a bad thing?

New York Times columnist Paul Krugman emphasized that no one should be worried about $4.70 gas, since “Bush is no longer president. High gas prices only matter when Bush is president. And if you factor out energy, and food, inflation is practically non-existent.”

“We’re not even sure this is a recession,” said White House Press Secretary Bob Schieffer of CBS. “We won’t know for sure until January 20.”

“It’s not a recession,” said Kim Yoshino of the Los Angeles Times, “it’s a funcession. Funemployment was a gift, and the funcession will be ten times giftier!”

President Obama thinks it’s an irrelevant debate, and called on Americans not to worry about blame, since “there’s enough blame for Bush and Romney to share. What we need is another spending plan to jump-start the economy, we need to print more money to jump-start our debt, we need a continuing resolution to jump-start a new budget, and we need new condoms to jump-start Sandra Fluke’s sex life.”

“It’s time for a new economic patriotism to overthrow these dictators of the past,” said Obama. “It’s no longer a question of whether it was Bush’s fault, or Romney’s fault, or Snowball’s fault. I haven’t yet decided what ‘economic patriotism’ means, but I guarantee you, it’s gonna be your fault long before it’s mine.”

The President has also scheduled another visit to Vegas to jump-start his campaign funds, where he was expected to combat the critical problem of poorly-made YouTube videos by releasing some bitching videos of his own.

  1. <- Obama recycles
  2. Benghazi accusations ->