The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, September 18, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

New York Times shocked by Thanksgiving video

News media shocked, shocked! to learn that turkeys die for Thanksgiving.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey at a turkey farm on Friday, and the video of the event circulating on YouTube has confused some news sources. The New York Times questioned why Governor Palin would hold a Thanksgiving event at a turkey farm. The editors of the gristly lady were shocked to discover that turkey farms kill turkeys.

The Walkerville Weekly Reader prides itself on being as out of touch as any news outlet, but this one floored even us. We asked the New York Times for a comment. How could they not know that turkeys have to die before they’re eaten?

“You don't understand,” replied the Times editors. “We’ve seen it. We’ve seen it on video. The turkey sandwiches, the turkey pot pies, the roasted turkeys… it’s animals! Turkey is made out of animals. They’re making our food out of animals. Soon they’ll be breeding animals like cattle—for food!”

“As God is our witness,” wrote the New York Times editors, “we thought turkeys were vegetables.”

The editors went on to explain that they meant to use the term “God” metaphorically, and perhaps ironically, but not in any clinging or otherwise bigoted manner.

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