The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, November 20, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Newspapers focus on important issues in 2008

Don’t worry, the Walkerville Weekly Reader is still publishing. It’s just that there’s nothing of import to write about during this election.

The editors of the Walkerville Weekly Reader would like to apologize for our silence during this record-breaking electoral season. The Reader has very high standards: we report only on things that are of such import no other newspaper will touch them. This year, however, there doesn’t appear to be any dearth of articles covering important topics. For example,

  1. When Senator McCain nominated a woman with a Downs syndrome child to the vice presidency, we considered publishing a story about how the child wasn’t hers at all, but was part of a cover-up involving teen sex, a topic that never fails to increase our page rank. We were beaten to this story by the Atlantic. They received the teen sex hits instead of us.
  2. When we discovered that Governor Sarah Palin reduced taxes on personal property, we began writing an article about her conflict of interest. After all, she and her husband own things. She reduced taxes on snowmobiles, and her husband owns a snowmobile! And sells them too! How can she ethically reduce taxes in Alaska when her husband is also in Alaska? Obviously, she can’t. Reducing taxes is always unethical for anyone with a spouse, child, parent, or lover living in the same state. Unfortunately, the Associated Press beat us to this story.
  3. When we discovered that Governor Palin’s husband likes to be in the same city as Governor Palin, we began work on a ground-breaking article about the puzzling inscrutability of a husband wanting to be near his wife: that’s obviously not mainstream values. But Salon.com scooped us on this vitally important story. No Pulitzer for us this year.
  4. Everyone knows that Senator McCain works in Washington. But we were recently surprised to discover that there are women in Washington, too. We considered constructing an allegation of improper relations from this highly suspect coincidence. But we were beaten to this punchy story by the New York Times.
  5. When Governor Palin recalled listening to Senator Biden in second grade, we knew it was a gaffe of monstrous proportions: Biden was elected while Palin was in third grade. But the Atlantic beat us to this one. Again. We’re getting worried about the Atlantic: Shaheen is considering applying for a job there, and that would cut 50% of our editorial staff. Our only hope is that the Atlantic doesn’t need fictional writers of satirical fiction. They already have Andrew Sullivan.

What else is there to write about? The mainstream news media has covered all of the important issues during this election season. We’ve decided to take a much-needed editorial retreat. We understand the hunting is great in Alaska, and nothing helps employees bond more than a 12-gauge rifle. (We’ll try to avoid drunken troopers.)

  1. <- Senator Watson
  2. Bush Loses ->