The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, September 18, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

NIDA Apologizes to Ravers

Research results showing Ecstasy-induced brain-damage were faked.

Officially known as the “Illicit Drug Anti-Proliferation Act”, Senator Joseph Biden’s (D-Del) amendment cracking down on young dancers was justified with a study that showed ecstasy “destroyed brain cells” and was going to bring on an “epidemic of Parkinson’s” among young people.

It turns out the study by Dr. George Ricaurte and publicized by the National Institute on Drug Abuse was fatally flawed: the drug they used wasn’t ecstasy at all, but methamphetamines.

Reform activists claimed that the study was obviously flawed, saying that “Such high mortality rates, which have never been associated with recreational ecstasy use, should have been a warning that something was seriously flawed with the research.”

Activists say that the study, which “countered years of studies showing no serious problems with ecstasy use,” should not have been used to justify a draconian law against young dancers.

Senator Biden disagreed. “We honestly believed the NIDA study,” he countered. “If you can’t trust the National Institute on Drug Abuse, who can you trust?”

Biden and NIDA apologized to young people, saying that they would work to end the police crackdowns on dance halls and electronic music lovers. “It was never my intention to put a damper on anyone’s music,” he said.

Biden added that he is now “feeling hip myself. I’ve started using ecstasy with my wife, Jill. Watch out kids, we’re gonna get down with ya on the dance floor!”

Ravers around the world expressed concern that a sixty-year-old-man stuck in seventies lingo would enjoy their music, but welcomed his presence.

“He’s the man,” said one dancer.

Biden warned that he “still considers bottled water and glow sticks dangerous drug paraphenalia,” and that he will “continue to work for legislation to make bottled water illegal.”

Biden says that recent NIDA studies have “conclusively” shown that bottled water causes permanent brain damage as well as “gross incontinence” and “grave impotence”.

According to NIDA, the Senator may have misunderstood the conclusions of the study. “Our study showed that politicians often exhibit symptoms of brain damage or gross incompetence when discussing drug issues,” said a NIDA spokesperson. “We believe that this is an issue of grave importance.”

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