The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, November 13, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Pennsylvania AG says crime is racist

Pennsylvania Attorney General vows to stop investigating and prosecuting crimes. “We know most blacks commit crimes, so it’s racist to target criminals for prosecution.”

Pennsylvania Attorney General Kathleen Kane

Attorney General Kathleen Kane tells reporter, “We will happily sue your ass off.”

The Pennsylvania Attorney General’s office has announced an innovative new law enforcement program designed to ensure equal opportunity access to the criminal justice system.

According to Pennsylvania Attorney General Kathleen Kane, “it’s racist to investigate crimes committed by blacks, because all blacks are criminals.”

Kane said that a similar problem existed among Democrats. “In fact,” she reported, “that’s how this problem came to our attention. My predecessor launched a corruption investigation targeting all politicians in Philadelphia. But even though the sting targeted both Democrats and Republicans, only Democrats were interested in learning more about the opportunity for corruption.”

Kane charged that “investigating corruption when you know some of the politicians are Democrats is entrapment.” She noted that “Many Democrats, even those that have not yet become corrupt, recognize this. They simply can’t resist that sweet, sweet cash!”

Kane added that the injustice is compounded when the Democrat is also black. “Blacks,” said Kane, “are genetically incapable of resisting corruption. That’s what makes them great politicians.”

Investigating crime and political corruption, according to Kane, is inherently racist. “Worse,” she said, “it’s a right-wing bias.”

Kane announced a new EOCJ initiative to end racism in law enforcement. Under the Equal Opportunity Criminal Justice program, law enforcement will pair each criminal with a random citizen. That citizen will be arrested, charged, and incarcerated for their pair’s crimes. “This ensures that our pool of criminals will match our demographic and political makeup,” said Kane, “despite the inherent shortcomings of Democrats and minorities.”

Asked how the program would work if news organizations reported the true names of the criminals rather than the randomly selected pair, Kane said “because I’ll sue the ass off of any reporter who breaks the law and reports the truth.”

The Reader believes that such lawsuits are unlikely.

  1. <- Booker’s MG
  2. Mozilla founder resigns ->