The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, September 18, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Planned Parenthood announces baby delivery service

The non-profit plans to compete with market leaders on speed, quality, and taste, to bring healthier, happier babies to a new convenience demographic.

Tomato, cucumber, soygurt, and fava bean Savory Baguette

Planned Parenthood recommends customers add legumes to their diet, such as this lovely fava bean, tomato, and cucumber salad on baguettes. (Vegan Feast Catering, CC-BY 2.0)

Tired of being portrayed as an abortion-only health provider, Planned Parenthood has decided to branch out into delivery services as well.

“We have researched the market and believe we can provide superior service and quality in this field,” said Senior Director Thomas Harris.

According to Harris, Planned Parenthood founder Margaret Sanger “bemoaned the full harvest of the dead weight of human waste”. Harris added that the new Planned Parenthood delivery service would use this waste to nourish the poor and hungry and “to diminish the spread of misery and destitution that so impedes racial progress today.”

Planned Parenthood has hired world-renowned chef Deborah Lector as Senior Director in Charge of Baby Deliveries.

“We agree with those conservatives who believe that abortions should be rare,” said Lector, “but our delivery service will also provide the option of medium and well done.”

“A lot of people want liver,” added Lector, “and for that reason, we take care harvesting that organ to ensure freshness and texture. We harvest no liver before its time.”

“I can personally recommend,” she said, “a smooth soy purée with green beans to accompany it, and, to top it off, a nice Chianti.”

Harris said that Planned Parenthood plans to meet attacks from the religious right by competing with the religious market. For example, according to Harris, Planned Parenthood intends to market their green soy to Catholics as a great Lenten meat replacement.

Anti-Planned Parenthood propagandist Charlton Nucatola complained that “their Lent green soy is people!” He further ranted that people should have the good taste not to shop with Planned Parenthood for their children’s needs.

“Sorry, Charlton,” Lector replied. “We don’t want children with good taste. We want children that taste good.”

  1. <- Clintons accused
  2. Bergdahl freed again ->