President-elect Clinton announces new police body-cam rules
Comedian Seth Meyers, speaking for millions of Americans, said “They’re just private servers. What’s the harm in that?”
Following a landslide victory in Tuesday’s Presidential election, President-elect Hillary Rodham Clinton announced a new policy mandating body cameras for all domestic police officers. Her policy also included safeguards to protect officer privacy.
“To protect police officers from dangerous interference in the performance of their duties,” the President-elect said, “officers will upload their camera feeds to their own private video server. Before handing any video to their local Internal Affairs or making them available for Freedom of Information Act requests, each officer will remove from their archive all videos unrelated to their official duties.”
Clinton assured the American people that this system ensures the security of video recording police interactions with the public. According to the President-elect, she tested the system during her tenure as Secretary of State, and “only five countries out of 206 in the world were able to hack the data.”
Fact check: according to statisticians consulted by The Reader, that’s a mere 2% chance of a security leak.
“This innovative system protects the privacy of public servants while at the same time protecting the right of foreign governments, criminals, and other interested parties access to the important secure data,” said the President-elect.
Clinton added that this new policy should also greatly improve the underground economy often associated with blue-city police forces and their associates.
“No reasonable person can oppose increasing police officer income using the innovative quid-pro-quo system I pioneered with the Clinton Foundation as Secretary of State,” said Clinton. “If they follow the steps I’ve outlined, they can improve their income by ten, twenty, or even a hundred million dollars.”
“Our brave officers deserve no less,” she concluded.
The controversial Black Lives Matter group opposes the program. A BLM spokesperson called it “an invitation to corruption and brutality on an undreamed of scale.”
Opposition to allowing police to accept anonymous donations for their public service appears to have caught the President-elect by surprise. In a speech following BLM’s denigration of her program she called Black Lives Matter supporters a “deplorable and irredeemable basket of un-American police-haters.”
However, the policy found an outspoken supporter in late-night comedian Seth Meyers. Meyers released a video mocking blacks who feel uncomfortable with the President-elect’s private server policy, calling them “too confused to understand issues logically, like I do as a professional comedian”. Meyers also suggested that blacks were emotionally unable to separate their feelings from the important facts. “They don’t care about a private server,” he said in the video. “Their real problem with Clinton is that they just hate police.”
“On the one hand you’ve got police with their own private servers,” Meyers said during his comedy monologue, “and on the other you’ve got Black Lives Matter protestors assassinating police officers. It’s so even. It’s so even.”
President-elect Clinton agreed with the outspoken comedian. “I spoke with an expert in racial psychology earlier today and she said that many blacks tend to fantasize about police brutality. They romanticize beatings, and exhibit unusual stubbornness and temper when they don’t get their way.”
“You cannot trust what any black man says about police brutality,” Clinton said, “unless they undergo a full psychiatric examination by a psychiatrist to be selected by the police officer.”
According to the Department of Justice, Clinton’s new program will be regulated by the FBI’s local field office in each city.
Questioned by hard-right Republican and Black Lives Matter sympathizer Ted Cruz (R-TX) if this new policy violates the specific purpose of body cameras and Freedom of Information Act laws in general, FBI director James Comey replied “What difference, at this point, does it make?”