The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, November 20, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

President Obama accuses Benghazi terrorists

President Obama accused the Benghazi attackers of terrorism retroactively at last night’s debates, winning the term decisively for House Media.

Hermione Granger’s Time Turner

President Obama uses the headmaster’s mediaspinner to retroactively zing Governor Romney on the Benghazi murders.

Last night’s debate could be the turning point that revitalizes Obama’s faltering campaign. According to immediate polls, slightly less than half thought President Obama won the debate, while only slightly more than 50 to 60% thought Governor Romney was better on the economy, on taxes, and on the deficit. It’s obvious to all rational observers that President Obama came out ahead in this second debate.

According to unbiased media reports, President Obama was a tiger at the Long Island debate. “To my mind,” said Doctor Andrew Sullivan Ob-Gyn, “Obama dominated Romney tonight in every single way: in substance, manner, style, and personal appeal. He came back like a lethal, but restrained predator. Growwr!”

According to Sullivan, “Within twenty minutes, Romney looked flush and a little schvitzy, which is not at all an allusion to his Jewish banker friends.”

The debate moderator was Candy Crowley, headmaster of Hogmedia School of Journalism and Broadcasting. The most-talked-about exchange of the night came toward the end of the debate when the President, behind on points, addressed a question about the spontaneous attacks on our embassy in Libya. Governor Romney accused the president of blaming the totally spontaneous attack on a video. The President told Governor Romney that he’d called it a planned terrorist attack all along, and, when Governor Romney called him on it, said to “look at my Rose Garden remarks.”

Headmaster Crowley immediately awarded Governor Romney ten demerits.

The President added that he also accused Big Bird of terrorism during the same Rose Garden speech.

“Don’t you mean Big Bain?” asked Headmaster Crowley.

“Big Bain, of course, headmaster,” he said.

“Wait just a minute,” said Governor Voldemort II. “He did not say anything of the sort—”

“Here, Mr. President,” said the Headmaster, handing President Hermione a small trinket. “This is a mediaspinner. You can use it to go back in time and change your comments.”

“Thank you, headmaster,” said the President, and then he bowed to her. Headmaster Crowley kissed him on the forehead.

“Those mean Republicans shouldn’t hurt your feelings by bringing up your failings!” said Headmaster Crowley. “I retroactively award you 100 media points. Mr. President, you have won the Media Cup.”

At this point, the entire House Media broke out in applause.

Headmaster Crowley ended the debate with a history question directed to Governor Romney: “I do attribute much of America’s economic and international problems to the failings and missteps of the Voldemort administration. Since both you and Ryan are Death-Eaters, I fear the return to the policies of those years should you win this election. What is the biggest difference between you and Voldemort, and how do you differentiate yourself from Voldemort?”

“I can’t believe this question came from a serious journalist,” said the Governor. “What was your name again?”

“I’m Candy.”

“Of course you are,” replied the Governor.

  1. <- Bush/Romney economy
  2. Obama defeats Math ->