The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, September 18, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

President responds to NBC, grants conservative exemption

Conservatives will also be exempted from paying more than 10% in taxes, as well as from marching up and down the square praising the President.

ACA conservative exemption

H&R Block unveils preliminary format for newly announced Obamacare exemption.

NBC News, in an editorial written by reporter Alex Jaffe, excoriated the Obama administration for not granting exemptions to conservatives, who oppose the Affordable Care Act, from purchasing insurance through it.

“While examining Senator Marco Rubio’s financial records, we discovered that, despite being a vocal opponent of the ACA, he had actually purchased it. We thought we’d found a case of blatant hypocrisy. Imagine our surprise when our lawyers told us, it’s the law!”

According to NBC News, the law requires everyone, even conservatives, to purchase health insurance under the ACA’s exchanges. “That’s unacceptable,” wrote Alex Jaffe at NBC News. “And it came as a complete surprise to us. After all, everyone was supposed to be able to keep their health insurance, not be required to switch. The President lied to the American people. He should immediately exempt everyone who doesn’t want to be on the ACA from the ACA.”

The Internal Revenue Service has promulgated a new rule targeting conservatives.

“NBC News has given us a completely new viewpoint,” said IRS director John Koskinen. “We have always said that the tax code is voluntary. If someone disagrees with a law, they shouldn’t have to follow the law. Accordingly, in addition to implementing the conservative exchange fix, we are exempting conservatives from paying taxes. It would be hypocritical for conservatives, who oppose high taxes, to have to pay them.”

Christian conservatives will not be completely exempt from taxes, according to the IRS rule. They’ll be required to pay 10%, which will go directly into President Obama’s personal accounts.

The NBC News editorial praised the ACA, and asked NBC’s management to take away their own corporate health insurance so that they can replace it with insurance from the exchange.

“We’re excited about the new options on the ACA exchanges,” wrote Jaffe, “But we wouldn’t want to use the same system as conservatives. It cheapens the experience.”

President Obama agreed, noting that “If there’s one thing that Obamacare was designed not to do, it was cheapening the health care experience.”

H&R Block announced that they are working to add these changes to their popular tax software. “We are adding a new checkbox to the list of exemptions,” said programmer Harry Tuttle. According to Mr. Tuttle, the new checkbox asks, “Do you have anything you’d rather be doing than marching up and down the square?” If the taxpayer answers “yes”, then we assume they are conservative, and they will not be required to pay taxes or purchase insurance on the exchange.

If the taxpayer answers “no”, H&R Block’s software will recognize them as liberals, and they will be required to pay taxes, purchase ACA-compatible insurance, and march up and down the square singing the President’s praises while throwing rocks at Paul Krugman’s windows.

Senator Rubio said that he was surprised at the response to the NBC News piece. “Normally, it’s only news when Democrats follow the law,” he told the Reader.

Jaffe replied that “while it would be news, it hasn’t happened yet, so we went with what we got.”

  1. <- Disloyalty Politics
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