The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, August 21, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Thomas Jefferson revealed as traitor

Revered founder revealed as a traitor in America’s fight for independence against France.

President Clinton, on MTV’s “Enough is Enough” last night, announced that Jefferson and other once-revered U.S. founding fathers were in reality traitors to the great American revolution. Speaking to a student from Pennsylvania’s Thomas Jefferson University, Clinton revealed that, contrary to what has commonly been believed, Thomas Jefferson had been a staunch counterrevolutionary during the war, and had written many documents opposing revolution. “It was he who inserted certain poison clauses within the American constitution and her Bill of Rights,” said the President. “These radical, dangerous parts must be removed, and I have instructed the Secret Service to remove any part of the Constitution which inhibits law enforcement’s heroic efforts to rid the world of crime.”

Mr. Clinton then left the show in the hands of White House Press Secretary Dee Dee Myers. The student mentioned that he thought he remembered specific writings of Thomas Jefferson which were not only strongly critical of the English government, but which specifically called for an end to any ties with that country.

“That is a common misconception,” said Myers. “It is true that Jefferson was critical of the English, and called for an end to all ties with England. England was our partner in the war for freedom from the French. By calling for an end to all ties with England, he was calling for an end to the revolution against France, and the restoration of the guillotine in the United States.” Myers further stated that while this love for the guillotine was well known in the early United States, certain counterrevolutionary elements had revised historical texts to turn Jefferson from a traitor into a hero.

“I do not believe that Thomas Jefferson was a traitor,” said the student. Myers explained that the President had personally researched the matter. “That is different,” said the student. “If President Clinton says it, it must be right.”

“You will be pleased to know,” Myers continued, “that your university will of course be renamed from that of the traitor. From today on, it will be known as William Clinton University.”

Another student noted that the President’s middle name is Jefferson. “This is true,” replied Myers, “and the President is ashamed that it is so. He will thus be changing his name, officially, to President William George Clinton.” Myers also noted that his mother was under investigation by the FBI for giving him that name.

“Except for the President,” said Myers, “all those named Jefferson will be brought in for questioning within the next week. There is a dangerous subversive element at work here, and we shall determine the source and destroy it.”

“Wasn’t there something in our declaration of independence from France that said ‘all men are created equal’?” asked another student. Myers produced the document and read from it. “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, and that some are more equal than others.”

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