The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, September 18, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Washington declares war on voter privacy

Congress votes to end a ‘loophole’ which allows voters to support candidates in private. President says “secret ballots are the next to fall.”

The Senate approved a measure requiring full disclosure of voter contributions Thursday. The bill would require certain tax-exempt organizations to report any individual contributions over $200 in a single year. The bill was heavily supported by Senator John McCain, the former presidential candidate. “Privacy has no place in our political system,” said McCain.

Senator McCain said that this was part of a two-pronged attack on unauthorized political information. “We also need to install Internet filters in schools and libraries, to ensure that unpopular political views are not viewed by the public.”

“Today is only the first step,” continued McCain. “The next step is to end the long-standing loophole that allows political supporters to vote secretly at the ballot box.” President Clinton agreed, saying “it is vitally important that politicians know who supports who in the election process. Senator McCain’s reform has my full support.”

Clinton went on to support a new initiative to remove secrecy from the ballot box. “Clandestine votes are anathema to the democratic process,” said the President. “In a true democracy, all votes should be public, and should be posted on the Internet for the public to read.”

“How are we to harass political opponents if we don’t know who they are?” asked Senator Russel Feingold. “Public disclosure is absolutely necessary if we’re going to find our opponents and nail them.”

Feingold was especially concerned about “whoever is supporting all those medical marijuana initiatives. We want to be able to send their donor lists straight to the DEA and the IRS for full treatment.”

The Reader contacted ex-President Richard M. Nixon and asked if this might have affected his own presidency. “Definitely,” Nixon’s ghost replied. “With a few more laws like this, I wouldn’t have needed those damn plumbers.”

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