The Walkerville Weekly Reader

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Walkerville, VA
Monday, July 8, 2024
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Howard T. Duck exits race

Candidate exits race, cites personal concerns. All Night Party cast adrift.

Laconic presidential candidate Howard T. Duck exited the race on Sunday. The fowl-mouthed maverick left a short message on his web site stating that “Today I have withdrawn my candidacy for President of the United States. Waaugh. What’s the use?”

Initially, “the Duck” generated considerable interest among disaffected voters. His “Get Down, America” slogan and the similarly-named top hit by country heartthrob Dreyfuss Gultch electrified the electorate.

The United States is one big dateless Saturday night! If I’m elected, I’m gonna inject a little life back into you anesthetized Americans! For four years, this country’s gonna get down and boogie, see?!

But following rumors that the “Get Down” slogan celebrated drug use, concerns of electability dragged Howard’s campaign into single digits.

“No candidate under four feet tall has ever been able to reach the presidential podium,” said political consultant Dr. Lester Simon Bong on “And Howard’s nonchalant approach to campaigning didn’t convince voters he wanted the job.” According to Bong, “the Duck” acted as if he were “trapped in a campaign he never made an effort to run”. His acceptance speech spanned just thirteen words, “Well… I mean… I guess I got nothing planned between now and November.”

The timing of the withdrawal was typical for Howard T. Duck, coming on a Sunday while journalists were not expecting news to happen.

The Duck’s All-Night Party platform often ran counter to Washington consensus. “You can’t change anybody’s mind about politics or religion,” he once said. His campaign promised to increase unemployment, license criminals to increase tax revenue, increase violence in movies, and increase sex in Washington.

You want the plain, unvarnished truth? The unemployed in this country are just plain lazy—and I respect them for it! It takes guts to resist the societal pressure to entrap oneself in a meaningless, boring, socially-unproductive nine-to-five automaton existence. The problem isn’t unemployment—it’s how to provide you hairless apes with a more convincing rationale for spending half your waking lives battling tedium just to make somebody else rich. Personally, I hope we never succeed in formulating that nifty nugget of persuasion.

Opponents were unsure how to handle the Duck’s withdrawal. Responses ranged from “Howard who?” to “From Cleveland? How many electoral votes does Cleveland have?”

Howard’s campaign staff were shocked by the announcement. Campaign manager Beverly Switzler blamed Canada, while expected ambassador to Rhode Island Steve Gerber went into seclusion following the announcement.

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