The Walkerville Weekly Reader

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Walkerville, VA
Monday, May 20, 2024
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Ohio congressman dies mysterious death

Representative James A. Traficant found dead in DC. Local police say he ate too many Whoppers.

Democrat from Ohio James A. Traficant was found dead in his DC office in the House of Representatives early this morning. He was discovered by House janitors “slumped over a vanilla shake and two huge burgers” at about six in the morning.

Traficant had recently been critical of the handling of FLIR expert Carlos Ghigliotti’s death, saying “something stinks” and calling for a full investigation. He was also critical of the administration’s handling of the Waco investigation, saying that it was highly suspicious that the FBI would lose their own audiotapes of the event, as well as autopsies, that they would deny using combustible incendiary devices when they certainly used them, and that the BATF would fabricate evidence in order to get search warrants.

Traficant sponsored HR Bill 4105, the “Fair Justice Act of 2000”, to fund a new federal agency which would have the power to investigate and prosecute alleged misconduct, criminal activity, corruption, or fraud by officers or employees of the Justice Department.

Conspiracy theorists claim that his death after sponsoring an act that would authorize ongoing investigation of the FBI is highly suspicious. DC police point out that his autopsy clearly showed the effects of a high-fat, unhealthy lifestyle, and that he died eating a Burger King hamburger and shake at five thirty in the morning.

Critics claim that Burger King isn’t even open that early, but police said there was one across town that stays open twenty-four hours. “He was clearly addicted to these high-fat items, and would go to whatever lengths were necessary to acquire them,” stated a police spokesperson.

Fellow Democrat Dianne Feinstein said she was “very saddened by his death, and I hope it will not have been in vain.” Feinstein said that she would soon introduce a bill in the Senate banning fatty burgers and non-diet cream drinks such as shakes. “These are deadly ingestants with no socially redeeming value,” said Feinstein, “clearly marketed towards children to addict Americans at an early age.”

House Democrats and Republicans began an effort to modify Traficant’s “Fair Justice Act” to focus on ending the deadly fat traffic in the United States. “We think the best way to memorialize his death is to do something significant in his name,” said the bipartisan group of congressmen.

When asked if Traficant’s death should be investigated further, an anonymous staffer replied, “Sure. Who wants to be next?”

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