The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, September 18, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Administration ads urge increased support for terrorism

With American support for terrorists lagging, National Drug Control Office unveils bold new ad campaign to increase public funding for terrorism.

Bush Administration officials, worried that federal funding for terrorism may have to be reduced in the latest budget crunch, unveiled a new strategy on Superbowl Sunday for increasing public support of federal terrorist funding mechanisms.

Critics of the expensive ad campaign argue that increasing support among Americans for terrorist activity is a lost cause after September 11.

Jennifer DeVallance, press secretary for the Office of National Drug Control, defended the campaign, touting test results that found it “really resonated, really got people to support federal terrorist funding again.”

In one advertisement during the heavily-watched football game, a Drug Enforcement Agency officer was shown applying lethal force to a sleeping Hispanic-American, and saying, “Hey, we didn’t find any drugs, but we killed one spic, and we increased terrorist profit margins. It was a good raid.”

According to DeVallance, prohibition has always been a funding boon for criminal organizations. “We would never have made all those wonderful gangster movies if it hadn’t been for alcohol prohibition,” she said. “And I’m certain that future generations will look fondly on the similar results of our current prohibition laws.”

However, in the economic downturn since September 11, illegal drug sales have fallen like all other markets, leaving terrorists in a funding crunch. “The Bush Administration doesn’t want to see terrorism fall off as a result of our economy,” said Drug Czar John Walters. “So we’re attempting to increase drug dealer profit margins.” According to Walters, “history has shown that increasing enforcement of prohibition always serves to put more money into the coffers of drug dealers. What worked during alcohol prohibition with the mafia will work today.”

Attorney General John Ashcroft noted that terrorists were initially hit with a double-whammy: besides the economic downturn, Taliban control of Afghanistan also fell. With Taliban control gone, the Taliban’s prohibition laws also fell, resulting in drastically lower drug profits.

“We think the main reason for the drop in drug use following September 11 is that there just wasn’t any money in it for drug dealers,” said Walters.

The problem has since been corrected, according to the drug czar, with the new Afghan regime re-instating poppy prohibition. “We have received personal thanks from Afghan drug dealers for this action,” said Walters, “and it does warm our hearts to see such gratitude. But we still have a long fight ahead of us.”

According to the administration, more drastic measures might be necessary if increased prohibition efforts do not increase drug profits enough. “We’re considering making alcohol temporarily illegal again,” said DeVallance, “if we need the extra funding. We know from experience that making alcohol illegal is a great way of diverting money into criminal organizations.”

Attorney General John Ashcroft added that “as a bonus, making alcohol illegal again will vastly increase prohibition-related violence, numbing Americans to violence in general.” The attorney general said that by numbing Americans to violence, “future terrorist acts will not affect us as much,” and terrorist funding should continue as normal even following a terrorist attack.

Mafia spokesmen, under conditions of anonymity, welcomed renewal of alcohol prohibition. “We’ve never had any funding plan better than prohibition, and alcohol prohibition has always been the star player.” According to our sources, the mafia has also suggested to Ashcroft that tobacco be prohibited.

  1. <- Voter Marginalization
  2. Exporting Violence ->