“We traded two women, a nut, and two Republicans. What do we care?”

Former Taliban captive Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl was captured a second time last week, this time by the Mendocino County Sheriff’s Office in Redwood City, California.

Sergeant Bergdahl was captured by the armed wing of the California government when he was found in the Northern California home of several dope dealers during a raid of a marijuana farm and processing facility.

The White House assured the nation on Wednesday that Sergeant Bergdahl had no connection with the Mendocino County marijuana operation and announced that they would use the full authority of the United States government to negotiate a release of the captive soldier from California and into the United States.

High-level negotiations between the administration and the California State led to the release from parole of Lynette Fromme and Sara Jane Moore into California, the release from federal prison of Jared Lee Loughner, and an IRS audit of two Fox News viewers, to be named later.

The newly-freed combat veteran was transported by California to Santa Rosa, where the swap took place. Bergdahl was transferred to an Army major who accompanied the soldier back to freedom near Washington, where he is being tried for desertion.

Some conservatives were critical of the release of two assassins and a mass murderer to free the soldier. White House Communications Director Jen Psaki defended the swap, declaring “we have a commitment to our men and women serving in the military, facing charges of desertion, that we’re going to do everything to bring them home whatever the cost, and that’s what we did in this case.”

California’s operational commander, Governor Jerry Brown, called the trade “a great victory”, and “the culmination of tireless efforts to acquire a complete set of Manson devotees”.