The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, September 18, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Bush arms pilots with heavy weapons

President says that only military weaponry will be allowed aboard passenger jets.

President Bush ordered the FAA to allow pilots to carry weaponry aboard domestic flights on Monday, but stated that only 20mm and larger arms were approved for carry. Anything smaller remains prohibited. The President noted that such weaponry will not actually fit within the confines of an airliner's cockpit, so each pilot will be assigned an F16 assistant to carry the firearms, known colloquially among fighter pilots as “air to air missiles”. Each pilot will also be accorded an M61A1 20mm multibarrel cannon.

The president said that the choice of weapon size was to allay the fear by some anti-gun organizations that normal firearms might only foil the hijacking and not bring the entire plane down.

According to the President, “what we’ve discovered is that small arms fire will not bring down a passenger jet, even if it penetrates the hull. We had been hoping that movie scenes such as those in Goldfinger and U.S. Marshalls reflected actual physics, but apparently they only reflect Hollywood physics.”

The President noted that such measures were necessary for religious reasons. “Once an airliner is touched by an Islamic terrorist, it becomes unclean,” said the President, “and must be totally destroyed.” The President said that “half measures” would not be tolerated. “We must go all the way in our offense against terrorism.”

When asked if Americans were willing to support such drastic measures, the President replied “No one knows the strength of the American people more than I. Americans are willing to sacrifice everything to combat terrorism. And if they aren’t, it won’t matter, because an F-16 doesn’t leave much in the way of survivors to complain.”

  1. <- Foiled Hijacking
  2. Starr Vindicated ->