The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, November 13, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Catholic Church restores Ptolemaic theology

Pope rescinds Galileo apology: “Mankind is the center of the universe, after all.”

Saint Dominic presiding over auto-da-fe

Early church investigates deniers.

Moving formally to recognize the man-made catastrophic global warming model, Pope Francis today renounced Pope John Paul II’s earlier forgiveness of Galileo Galilei in 1992. The Italian skeptic, a 16th century proponent of denialist claims that mankind is not the center of the universe, also claimed that the sun, rather than being a mere ball of light in the heavens, played a major role in human affairs.

Pope Francis’s actions return Catholic theology to the dominant scientific consensus in favor of the Ptolemaic humanocentric model of the universe.

For decades, this model has shown catastrophic and deadly changes lie mere years ahead of us. Those who would deny this model seek to doom mankind to a thousand years of hell on earth.

Pope Francis said that John Paul erred because he did not recognize the the primacy of the Bible over scientific affairs.

This led him to transpose into the realm of skepticism a question which in fact pertained to scientific models.

Pope Francis added that the Church was taking steps to prevent future theological mistakes such as John Paul’s heliocentric heresy.

The Pope joins modern scientists in recommending tribunals for apostates and heretics who dispute the catastrophic anthropogenic warming model or who question its extent. He suggested an inquisition into denial theorists to stamp out the spread of this anti-science conspiracy.

Burning witches

Two consensus scientists convince skeptics that warming is real.

“They are enemies of mankind,” the religious leader said.

Francis suggested that the traditional punishment for unscientific skepticism, burning at the stake, could be alleviated if the skeptic recanted:

Anyone claiming that the sun might play a major role in climate change could, to avoid the death penalty, recant their denials. They should still be placed under house arrest, forbidden to spread their heresies, forbidden also to use the Internet or other modern communications methods.

Democrats promised to support the Pope’s jihad against human-centric climate deniers, and said they were going to look at the religious leader’s other positions as well. The popular left-Ptolemaic web site ThinkProgress announced a new consensus in favor of restoring moral theology and prayer to public schools, and in Texas, Democrat Wendy Davis said that “this pope guy, he has some interesting ideas that play well in the heartland.”

The Texas Democrat promised, if elected in the previous election, “to support legislation banning abortion at any stage in a pregnancy.”

ThinkProgress writers agreed. “The Pope calls on us to become custodians of Creation,” site writer Jack Jenkins wrote, “and where better to start than protecting the unborn?”

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