The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, September 18, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

George Bush loses election

Democrats, pollsters, press celebrate successful campaign following controversial president George W. Bush’s failure to gain a third term.

President George W. Bush failed to win a third term yesterday, losing to {$election_08.pres}. The former president received no electoral votes, a landslide defeat reflecting record low approval numbers nationwide.

A prominent northeastern Democrat attributed Bush’s loss to a lack of intelligence exemplified by his regional dialect. “From now on, every president will pronounce ‘nuclear’ the way we do,” said the anonymous chairman. “There will be no more presidents with accents or dialects other than mine.”

The source also commented on the “very close call” in not electing third-party candidate and Wasilly mayor Sarah Palin to the presidency. “The woman sounds like she’s from Michigan or some other Canadian province. She’s definitely never been to Yale. And she has no sense of geography: she thinks Russia is near the United States. Russia is part of Europe. We don’t have to worry when they invade a country that doesn’t even have a summer season.”

Our source acknowledged that Mayor Palin was “a tough opponent to run against due to her gender and because she took positions [on issues].”

The oft-pregnant “red” candidate ran an ineffectual campaign that resonated with a certain class of ill-informed, media-hating voter. Media fact-checkers were able to counter most of her more fantastic statements, such as her claim that Russia was trying to retake the breakaway Canadian province of Alaska. Despite repeated questioning during the final days of her campaign, she was never able to adequately explain why the United States should become involved in the regional dispute.

Wiser, more experienced politicians prevailed, such as Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) who said, “Let ’em invade Alaska. It’s right next to them.” Senator Joe Biden pointed out that the issue had already been resolved: “along with Quebec, we kicked Russia out of Alaska. Then we moved NATO into Michigan to keep them out.”

Democratic Committee Chairman Howard Dean agreed with the anonymous Yale graduate’s remarks on language. “Really, you shouldn’t be president unless you can enunciate in the approved manner.” He added that following his successful defeat of Bush, he would continue his crusade for linguistic purity by “going to Britain to teach them to speak English as well, beginning with the word ‘aluminum’.”

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