The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, September 18, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Glaciers retreat from Middle East

As glaciers flee the desert, they leave once-frozen ancient barbarians behind.

Scooby Doo Frozen Fright

ISIS barbarian awaits glacial retreat. (Artist’s conception)

As if the Middle East didn’t already have enough weather problems, a Walden University scientist says that their long-admired glaciation is retreating northward.

“Glaciers have completely retreated from the Tigris River valley,” said Professor Barbara Boopstein, “and the Saharan ice field will soon be renamed the Saharan Desert.”

Former Maryland governor and Democratic candidate for president Martin O’Malley agreed.

“I’m going to miss skiing in the Syrian Alps the most,” he said.

The news offers some consolation to President Barack Obama, who has been criticized for allowing ISIS to fill in the vacuum left by not negotiating a Status of Forces agreement with Iraq, helping Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad massacre the Syrian people, and turning his back on the Iranian protestors.

The hard right wing of the Republican Party blames the President for fostering tyrannies across the regime, creating the conditions necessary for violent sects such as ISIS to thrive.

Fringe presidential candidate Ted Cruz of Texas accused the president of “financing terror” and right-wing blogs have accused him of abandoning Ambassador Christopher Stevens in Benghazi to sectarian violence.

“Turns out, these are just the rantings of partisan nutcases,” said O’Malley. “It’s really just the weather causing these things. As glaciers retreat, barbarians from eons past unfreeze and, as barbarians tend to do, rampage, pillage, and carve out barbarian kingdoms.”

Last we checked, the president does not control the weather, and global warming is caused by right-wing corporations.

According to Boopstein, “we saw the same effect in 2010 and 2014 as glaciers retreated from North America.”

O’Malley added that “global warming also destroyed Lois Lerner’s hard drive and erased all the data on Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s basement email server. It’s a well-known effect of weather weirding.”

  1. <- Garland Fast & Furious
  2. Clinton lifts blacks ->