The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, February 20, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Hillary Clinton will make America above average again

Democratic candidate vows to make government programs great by shutting down departments, schools that are below average.

Hillary Rodham Clinton and husband at the 56th Inauguration

Hillary also announced that if elected half of her family will, by executive order, have their genitals removed.

Speaking in Minnesota last week, Hillary Clinton praised the Mist County school district and vowed to improve the quality of schools in the United States so as to match the quality of schools in the Gopher State.

“This school district and these schools throughout Minnesota are doing a better than average job,” Clinton told the St. Olaf, Minnesota crowd. “Now, I wouldn’t keep any school open that wasn’t doing a better than average job. If a school’s not doing a good job, then you know it may not be good for the kids.”

The Democratic front-runner added that she expected to bring the same tough policy to the federal government, both to individual employees and departments.

“Too many federal employees are below average,” she told the crowd. “When I’m President, I will dismiss any employee who isn’t working hard enough to be above average. The IRS, White House staff, the EPA, no department will be exempt. When I’m done, every department will be above average.”

Those that aren’t, said the candidate, will be disbanded.

Mrs. Clinton said that her experience in the State Department is that there are a lot of employees who are so incompetent that they harm national security. “We had employees who could barely do their job. They didn’t know how to use a computer—they’d be cleaning their hard drives with wet cloth, sending classified intel across public lines, and accidentally deleting critical files.”

Clinton emphasized that “below-average employees need to go. We can’t afford to have our foreign policy managed by people who are not pulling more weight than their average colleague.”

Representatives from teacher unions and government unions immediately opposed the proposed “above average” policy, but state that they believe the long-time Democrat was misquoted or mistaken about the meaning of her words.

“We don’t believe that any president should, or would, fire half of all federal employees,” wrote the American Federation of Government Employees in a response dated Wednesday. “We expect that Mrs. Clinton misquoted herself.” The AFGE press release added that “regardless of who is president, this union will continue to protect the lower half of the bell curve.”

“Hillary Clinton doesn’t really want to fire half of all teachers or close half of all schools,” Randi Weingarten, president of the American Federation of Teachers, told Megyn Kelly on Fox News Tuesday evening. “It’s just that she went to a government-run school and doesn’t understand basic math.”

When asked to confirm that she’d be willing to fire half of all federal employees and close half of all schools if she were elected, Mrs. Clinton said, “if that’s what it takes to make America great, then yes. But I’m not as pessimistic as some people, I don’t think government is as bad as all that and I don’t think America is as bad as all that.”

“Most people,” she explained, “are above average.”

In unrelated news, on Tuesday the Clinton Foundation pledged two billion dollars to end Alzheimer’s, preferably by election day.

  1. <- Christianity lesson
  2. Clinton aliens ->