The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, September 18, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

New, Improved Democracy hits hungry market

“It’s better than the original,” says Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer of his new commercial democracy. Breyer’s New, Improved Democracy is set to compete in a field currently dominated by New Deal Super Fudge Chunk Democracy and Therapeutic Republic Democracy.

Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer announced a new brand of democracy this week, a surprise move that competes with the current brands such as the more traditional One Person One Pint Democracy and Therapeutic Republic Democracy. Breyer’s New, Improved Democracy will come in several flavors and be marketed in upscale Democratic markets throughout the world.

“It’s not your founding father’s democracy,” said Breyer about his new product. “It’s better than democracy. Breyer’s New, Improved Democracy is fortified with easy takings and approved speech.” His company worked closely with Pfizer Inc., who developed the special fortification process used by the new product. “Our new process can fortify democracy and still maintain the wholesomeness of an aesthetically pleasing community,” said Breyer. “Unwholesome elements, such as sick people, are kept out of sight and behind bars.”

Breyer said that the key ingredient for his New, Improved Democracy is secret, but definitely government-approved. “Democracy is better when the government chooses who speaks and who doesn’t,” he said. “In my Democracy bad speech will not overwhelm good speech. New, Improved Speech must be used responsibly.” Breyer added that “My New, Improved Democracy comes with a healthy topping of government-approved speech.”

Breyer explained that “our market research has determined that democracy is impractical given the diverse and always evolving needs of restrictive governments.” His company’s advertisements argue that Breyer’s New, Improved Democracy gives the public as a whole the democracy they prefer. His New, Improved Democracy, according to ads, “enhances the beauty of those who are allowed to use it and ensures that beautiful people will wish to associate with the consumer.”

Addressing complaints about the exclusive nature of his products, Mr. Breyer replied that a process was in place to address those concerns. “Anyone may petition our company to gain access to this New, Improved Democracy. We have authorized procedures in place to appropriately file such requests in a special New, Improved Round File.”

This move by the Supreme Court Justice follows in the tradition of “New Deal Super Fudge Chunk Democracy”. Breyer‘s first flavor will be “Slippery Slope Democracy”. If that flavor goes over well, says Breyer, they’ll slowly introduce “Wavy DemoCracy”, “Nutty Waffling Democracy” and finally “Aloha Democracy”. Breyer assures customers that each flavor will improve upon the previous flavor.

Reaction to Breyer’s New, Improved Democracy was mixed but positive within the Democratic upscale market it is aimed at, with many governments and potential governments hungry to try the product. The leader of one insurgent force in Iraq was heard to ask “How much does it cost? I’ll buy it!” In China, political leaders decided that since “time is all we’ve got to lose,” they’d go ahead and try it. However, Edward Johnson of Nova Scotia was worried that “Breyer got cards he ain’t showing.”

Breyer’s New, Improved Democracy will be available in pint canisters and half-gallon tubs manufactured in the United States in his company’s New London manufacturing plant. A special Atkins version will be available shortly after introduction for those who wish to avoid the weight gain sometimes associated with democracy. The Justice says that franchises remain available in several countries.

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