The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, November 13, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Nobody Wins!

Nobody remains ahead in key state of Florida, giving Nobody the 270 electoral votes needed to win.

With the vote counts 99.9% in it was clear that Nobody had the lead in Tuesday’s presidential election. The two major candidates admitted defeat early Wednesday morning. After the media took Florida away from Gore, spokesperson Bill Daley addressed supporters in the rain: “We will concede this race to Nobody,” said Daley.

This was a very tight race, with Florida initially tipping to Gore, then to Nobody, then to Bush, and back to Nobody. By sunrise Wednesday morning, it was clear that Nobody had won. Nobody held a press conference and celebrated victory.

Despite conceding to Nobody the night before, both major parties were demanding a recount. “If Nobody wins this election,” said Daley, speaking in the rain to supporters at Nashville’s War Memorial Plaza, “it will do irreparable harm to the American government.”

Democrats were also calling for an end to the electoral system of presidential elections. “The electoral system requires that politicians pay attention to issues of regional significance,” said Gore, “and Nobody wants to pay attention to local voters. That isn’t fair to the rest of us who want to ignore them.”

In Austin Texas, the Bush camp were attributing Nobody’s win to breaking up their family, implying that Florida governor Jeb Bush might be in familial hot water. “Jeb and I are very close,” said Bush, “and Nobody can change that over a couple of votes.”

Outgoing President Bill Clinton said “The American people have now spoken, and Nobody knows exactly what they said. In past elections, Nobody has listened to the American people.”

A spokesperson for the Green party’s Ralph Nader said that the victory might have been due to the winner’s intense drive for success. “Nobody wants to win more than we do,” said Nader, “and Nobody needs a victory more than we do. Nobody will benefit the country more than we would.”

Spokespeople for the other parties agreed with the Green party’s analysis of this unique election. NBC commentator Tim Russert noted that the people must be agreeing with Nobody, because “this is the third presidential election in a row where Nobody has received a majority of the popular vote.”

  1. <- Reporters Confused
  2. Channeling Reagan ->