The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, November 20, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Pig-squealer rebuilds embassy in three days

Rioters claim Jacques Barrot feat justifies original burning.

Muslim rioters, angry over a cartoonish representation of an obscure French pig-squealer, burned Denmark’s embassies three days ago in Lebanon and Syria. The rioters claimed French Pig Festival contestant Jacques Barrot was their new prophet and that any photograph of him was sacrilegious desecration.

Most of the world condemned the rioting as ludicrous. “The French have Jerry Lewis,” said one commenter. “God does not send prophets to France.”

However, the Reader has learned that M. Barrot, embarrassed over the actions of his followers, has raised the Danish embassies back from the ashes, a feat of truly biblical proportions. Specifically, it recalls the acts of Muslim prophet and Christian savior, Mr. Jesus H. Christ.

After the miraculous feat, M. Barrot posed for photographs. “He’s a prophet. We were right,” said one young rioter. The young man chose a signed 2.5x3.5-inch wallet-sized photo of himself with Barrot for only $9.95 before tax.

In a heavenly press conference, former prophet Jesus Christ cast aspersions on M. Barrot’s accomplishment. Known as a great temple builder in previous years, Mr. Christ said that “swift rebuilding is much easier now than it was in my day. With the proper equipment, three days is not difficult even for amateurs.”

Asked if he was charging M. Barrot of using performance-enhancing technology, Mr. Christ appeared to back away from the accusation, saying that he was “only and merely offering an example. You’re the journalist, do your own research.”

Mr. Christ has been under strain since yesterday’s Coretta Scott King funeral, when former United States president Jimmy Carter accused him of sending Hurricane Rita as a racist attack against New Orleans. The former president has long claimed a personal relationship with Christ, but some observers say it will be difficult for Christ “to forgive him for this. Carter should not be so condescending and proud.”

Others, however, have noted that if Christ was involved in the New Orleans hurricane it would not be out of character for the Heavenly monopoly. Christ himself ascended to Heaven in a bloody power struggle two thousand years ago. While his initial reign of peace showed promise, political infighting soon led Christ’s fans to return to their pre-Christian methods.

Since those early days, Christ has withdrawn from the management of Heaven’s affairs. Except for a bit of fire in the first few weeks of his tenure, Mr. Christ has left most of the day-to-day management to his father and Heaven’s chairman, God, and to CEO Gabriel. Surprisingly, even his mother--whose ascension was thought at first to be a purely symbolic promotion--has been of more public service to Heaven than has Christ.

Heavenly insiders suggested a form of the Peter Principle. One anonymous gatekeeper noted that Barrot’s challenge, coming when it does after the allegations of racism, “pressures Christ to try something dramatic to regain public favor. The fact is, Christ never raised the temple in Jerusalem, he merely threatened to. The legend has become more than the man.”

The two prophets are reportedly vying to resurrect Father Andrea Santoro. The Italian priest was killed by a Turkish teen-ager who reportedly wanted to avenge the Danish newspaper’s image of the Frenchman as a pig. Success could cement Barrot’s status as a new prophet, or restore Christ’s tarnished image. “In this case,” said one insider, “Christ has the advantage, having done this at least twice. This was the skill that got him noticed by management in the first place.”

Others wondered if Christ might be out of practice, having not performed a resurrection since before his ascension to power. “And of course the wildcard in all this is Mohammed ibn Abdallah.”

The Reader attempted to contact Mohammed, Christ’s rival in Heaven, but the popular prophet refused to comment on the riots, saying only “I don’t know these people.”

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