The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, September 18, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

President Obama defeats Math Roundly

President Obama edged out a two percent victory over Math on Tuesday night, promises perpetual peace, abundance for all.

Voting at the Mortuary

Voters chose to kill Math at the polls on Tuesday.

President Barack Obama’s opponent for the last four years conceded the presidential election last night. Math acknowledged that Obama was the winner and retired to his home in San Bernardino, California.

Math promised to repeal the law of compound interest, allowing the Obama administration to continue borrowing money without swamping the U.S. economy with high interest payments. Math also promised to ignore the distributive and associative properties of numbers, which will allow the President to continue quantitative easing without invoking proportional inflation.

In his victory speech, President Obama promised a bipartisan effort to defeat physics next, setting his administration to the task of repealing the second law of thermodynamics with or without the help of Republicans. By doing so, the administration expects to create perpetual electrical generators to solve the rising cost of gasoline and oil.

Spokespersons for the political market-place commended the President’s plan, praising the breadth of its uplifting vision. The writers of copybook headings were unavailable for comment.

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