The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, December 11, 2017
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Sanders complains: world has too much food

Due to global warming, rampant capitalism, the world has too much food and too many people. Overweight outnumber underweight for first time since God talked to Moses. Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders calls for institution of Soviet food lines.

Equality Donuts

Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders outlines five-year plan to end the scourge of food oversupply and income mobility.

According to a new analysis published in The Lancet, global warming and unrestricted capitalism have caused “a global spike in greater access to cheap food, and rising income around the world”. As a result, “it’s been very easy, as countries get out of poverty, to eat a lot and to live longer.”

Popular science magazine Science News summarized the results: “The world is at once fatter and healthier.”

On average, people worldwide are eating roughly a half-gallon of ice cream too much. But the road isn’t entirely rocky. During the same time period, average life expectancy also jumped.

Democrats immediately complained about unbridled capitalism causing obesity, and overpopulation. “When people take longer to die, that means overpopulation,” said the White House in a press release Monday morning. “That’s why it’s critical that we continue implementing the Affordable Care Act, to counter overpopulation.”

Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders called for the restoration of Democratic Nationalist President Franklin D. Roosevelt’s food destruction policies to “destroy food before it reaches the poor, and to force corporations to produce only the amount that government experts deem necessary for the survival of the race.”

Sanders, a Democratic Socialist, added that, “this is proof of the superiority of bread lines. If the world has too much food, socialism can fix that. It’s what socialism was designed for.”

Sanders added that the problem with income mobility is that when the poor raise themselves out of poverty, it increases income inequality. “The best way to end income inequality,” said Sanders, “is to make sure everyone, except politicians, are forced to use bread lines for food.”

Sanders’s opponent, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, blamed the world’s food oversupply on a YouTube video. Clinton also solicited donations to the Clinton Foundation to allow the candidate and her husband to research overeating at the finest research restaurants in New York City.

Mrs. Clinton vowed to “research only food prepared by the finest servers.”

Both candidates agreed that more taxes, along with more government management of food supplies, will reduce income inequality, reduce food oversupply and clear more living space.

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