The Walkerville Weekly Reader

National Desk: Hard-hitting journalism from your completely un-biased (pinky swear!) reporters in Walkerville, VA.

Walkerville, VA
Monday, May 20, 2024
Carolyn Purcell, Editor

Cancer docs seek business increase

World’s largest cancer group calls for creation of massive, violent black market in tobacco.

The American Society of Clinical Oncology in Chicago called for the establishment of an independent commission to draft a blueprint to increase cancer rates, emergency room visits, and hospital stays. According to society president Dr. Paul A. Bunn, Jr., “we get frustrated when we can’t make our house payments.”

He conceded that the organization’s previous call to deregulate smoking into the black market had little effect. Bunn argued that “the problem is that no one’s made tobacco illegal yet. We won’t see tobacco diseases increase until we get the black market involved in tobacco distribution.” Bunn called for world prohibition of tobacco. “Our hospitals need more patients,” said Dr. Bunn.

The society chose Chicago for its 2003 meeting “to celebrate Chicago’s role in the twenties in maximizing prohibition-related murders, injuries, and diseases.”

According to Bunn, “the elimination of alcohol from the world in the twenties not only increased the rate of liver cirrhosis, it also brought with it all-new ailments such as the ginger jake paralysis.” Bunn said that “we don’t know what new diseases will come with full prohibition of tobacco, but we’re sure they’ll be just as spectacular.”

Bunn added that tobacco prohibition will also increase the population that is susceptible to tobacco-related cancers and diseases. “There is a school five blocks from this convention hall,” said Bunn to his colleagues, “and one block from that school in the twenties was a speakeasy that specialized in selling to children. We fully expect black market tobacco dealers to open shops devoted to schoolchildren. Those children’s parents will pay us everything they have.”

Bunn noted that such speakeasies in the twenties were called “school pigs”, and he proposed a similar name for black market tobacco houses that specialize in children: “school camels.”

“The more school camels, the better the house I can buy,” said Bunn to wide applause. “The better houses we can all buy! Let’s send tobacco to the black market as soon as possible!”

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